From Stinque Zombie Bible
8:1 Again the word of the LORD of hosts came to me, saying,
8:2 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; I was jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I was jealous for her with great fury; such a shandah!
8:3 Thus saith the LORD; I am returned unto Zion, and will dwell in the midst of Jerusalem: and Jerusalem shall be called a city of truth; and the mountain of the LORD of hosts the holy mountain; I think they've finished the House of the Lord, so I should be able to move right in as soon as I get my furniture out of storage.
8:4 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; There shall yet old men and old women dwell in the streets of Jerusalem, and every man with his staff in his hand for very age, because ever since we got single payer health care the old fucks live forever, although once in a while the Zombies get the slow ones.
8:5 And the streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls playing in the streets thereof, but they're pretty fast so the Zombies rarely catch one of them.
8:6 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; If it be marvellous in the eyes of the remnant of this people in these days, should it also be marvellous in mine eyes? saith the LORD of hosts, which was pretty remarkable given how pissed off he was in the last chapter.
8:7 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Behold, I will save my people from the east country, and from the west country, but the people in the north and south are fucked, because they haven't made a burnt offering in weeks;
8:8 And I will bring them, and they shall dwell in the midst of Jerusalem: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God, in truth and in righteousness, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part, and when I say death I mean you, not me.
8:9 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; Let your hands be strong, ye that hear in these days these words by the mouth of the prophets, which were in the day that the foundation of the house of the LORD of hosts was laid, that the temple might be built, but only after the foundation was inspected and signed off by the county.
8:10 For before these days there was no hire for man, nor any hire for beast; neither was there any peace to him that went out or came in because of the affliction: for I set all men every one against his neighbour, just to fuck with them.
8:11 But now I will not be unto the residue of this people as in the former days, saith the LORD of hosts, I promise to behave, and I promise to count to ten before I start the fire and brimstone mishegos.
8:12 For the seed shall be prosperous; the vine shall give her fruit, and the ground shall give her increase, and the heavens shall give their dew; and I will cause the remnant of this people to possess all these things, but as tenants in common because if I start killing them off I want to remainder to revert to ME by operation of law.
8:13 And it shall come to pass, that as ye were a curse among the heathen, O house of Judah, and house of Israel; so will I save you, and ye shall be a blessing: fear not, but let your hands be strong, but I want all of you in bed by 10, lights out, but you can stay up until midnight on weekends.
8:14 For thus saith the LORD of hosts; As I thought to punish you, when your fathers provoked me to wrath, saith the LORD of hosts, and I repented not, because I'm GOD, and what's the point of being GOD if I have to repent every time you set me off?
8:15 So again have I thought in these days to do well unto Jerusalem and to the house of Judah: fear ye not, because every day and in every way, I'm getting better, and better.
8:16 These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates, although you'll have to pay the city marshal a percentage to execute the judgment:
8:17 And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour; and love no false oath: for all these are things that I hate, saith the LORD, and if you set me off again I am not responsible for my actions.
8:18 And the word of the LORD of hosts came unto me, saying,
8:19 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; The fast of the fourth month, and the fast of the fifth, and the fast of the seventh, and the fast of the tenth, shall be to the house of Judah joy and gladness, and cheerful feasts; therefore love the truth and peace, and who wouldn't rather sit down to a nice meal than starve yourself?
8:20 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; It shall yet come to pass, that there shall come people, and the inhabitants of many cities, many of whose ancestors I wiped out but eh, let bygones be bygones:
8:21 And the inhabitants of one city shall go to another, saying, Let us go speedily to pray before the LORD, and to seek the LORD of hosts: I will go also; it would be better to live where there's a LORD passing out free food than to stay in the dump where we live.
8:22 Yea, many people and strong nations shall come to seek the LORD of hosts in Jerusalem, and to pray before the LORD, asking for a nice four bedroom house, a pool, and a Sony LCD Bravia XBR TV with that feature that makes fast-moving objects look really crisp.
8:23 Thus saith the LORD of hosts; In those days it shall come to pass, that ten men shall take hold out of all languages of the nations, even shall take hold of the skirt of him that is a Jew, saying, We will go with you: for we have heard that God is with you, and the Jew will say, get your hands off my skirt! Do you have any idea how much this thing cost?