Stinque Zombie Bible:Highlights
From Stinque Zombie Bible
Need some editing inspiration? Here are some examples...
Old Zombie Testament
Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God made the heaven and the earth and the Zombies sprang forth from the roiling foam of creation, barking in uncontrollable rage, hungry for human flesh to eat and pestork, giving pause to our Lord who shat himself and uttered 'Oh, fuck' amidst the primordial celestial gloom.
Exodus 1:7 And Joseph died because a Zombie got a hold of him and tore out his liver. Then he rose again to chase and eat all his brethren, and all that generation, until somebody wised up and smashed his head with some stale matzoh in a copper pot.
Leviticus 12:3 And in the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised and fed to the Zombies to preserve peace between the living and the undead.
Numbers 1:12 Of Dan Halen; Ahiezer the putrified undead son of Ammishaddai, and sundry Squidbillies.
Deuteronomy 23:1 He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, or hath not gorged upon the brains of a human, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.
Judges 5:6 In the days of Shamgar the son of Anath, in the days of Jael, the highways were unoccupied, and the travellers walked through byways, whereas the zombies sped through using EZPass.
Ruth 1:5 And then some other mortals blew away the zombies with shotgun blasts to the head, and Naomi was left, her zombie sons and zombie husband blown apart, mere smears across the food court floor.
1 Chronicles 8:13 And also among them was Minni, the Moocherite, also being called the red-hot Hoochicoocherite.
Job 2:2 And the LORD said unto Satan, "Where the HELL did you come from? ha ha ha, that joke never gets old. Two drink minimum."
Job 40:7 Gird up thy loins now like a man: I will demand of thee, and declare thou unto me. Thou art my bitch.
Psalms 1:1 Blessed is the man that shuffleth not in the gait of the zombies, nor standeth and stareth at nothing in the way of zombies, nor eateth the brains of the scornful.
Psalms 148:1 Every time my shotgun sneezes, I send a ghoul to Zombie Jesus, sitting in the front seat of my truck.
Ecclesiastes 1:4 One generation of zombies passeth away, and another generation of zombies cometh: but the earth abideth for ever.
Song of Solomon 1:6 Look not upon me, because I am dead, because the sun hath not looked upon me: my mother’s children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of their vineyards; so I ate their brains.
New Zombie Testament
Matthew 5:5 Blessed are the meek: for their brains shall be eaten first.
Luke 14:2 And, behold, there was a certain Zombie before him who had a titanic erection.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he made His Son a zombie, and whoever is bitten by the Son shall also become zombie and be undead everlasting.
John 13:6 Then cometh he to Simon Peter: and Peter saith unto him, Lord, dost thou wash my feet? Then the Zombie jumped in through the window and attempted to strangle Jesus, who spun on his heel, grabbed the basin and threw the water into the Zombie's face, blinding him and burning his eyes, and finally whomped the holy fuck of him with the basin for added badness.
1 Corinthians 5:1 It is reported commonly that there is fornication among you hornball Zombies, and such fornication as is not so much as named among the Gentiles, that one should have his father's wife's brains for lunch.
2 Timothy 3:1 This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come insanely violent Zombies.
Titus 2:15 These things speak, and exhort, and rebuke with all authority. Let no Zombie despise thee.
Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of Zombies not yet dismembered, pulped and scattered to the wind.
Revelation 22:8 And I John saw these things, and ate them. And when I had heard and eaten, I fell down to feast upon the feet of the angel which had come to feast on me.