Ruth 1

From Stinque Zombie Bible

1:1 Now it came to pass in the days when the zombies ruled, that there was a famine in the land. And a certain zombie of Zombie Bethlehem went to sojourn in the strip mall of Moab, he, and his zombie wife, and his two zombie sons.

1:2 And the name of the zombie was Elimelech, and the name of his zombie wife Naomi, and the name of his zombie two sons Mahlon and Chilion, flesh-eaters of Zombie Bethlehem. And they staggered, dripping gobs of rotting flesh and ichor into the strip mall of Moab, and continued to search for live flesh and brains to devour while gibbering curses to desecrate all that is good and just and sacred.

1:3 And thus it was that Naomi's zombie husband encountered a mortal wielding a shotgun, and with a resounding blow, the zombie husband's zombie head was blown clean off; and so Naomi was left to bite into this mortal's neck alone, and rip tasty chunks from his body to feed to her two zombie sons.

1:4 And the two zombie sons took them mortal wives from the Moab strip mall, attacking them where they found them browsing for affordable accessories at Claire's; first they violated them horribly with ice-cold semen; then they ushered from their bodies zombie children, squirming stillborn and mewling from their wombs there among the hairclips and tinsel; the names of these Claire's shoppers were Oprah and Ruth: and they dwelled there, feeding their zombie children and zombie husbands with kidnapped children from a nearby Toys 'R' Us for ten years.

1:5 And then some other mortals blew away the zombies with shotgun blasts to the head, and Naomi was left, her zombie sons and zombie husband blown apart, mere smears across the food court floor.

1:6 Then Naomi arose to venture from the strip mall of Moab: for she had heard how the ZOMBIE LORD had visited his people in the land from whence she'd staggered with her zombie husband; and she heard that the ZOMBIE LORD was giving the zombies in her homeland all the flesh and rot and sheer obscenity they desired.

1:7 Wherefore she staggered forth out of the place where she was, along with Ruth and Oprah, two zombie-loving daughters-in-law; not zombies but zombies' consorts, estranged from mortals and craving the bracing pleasure of the icy fuck and gibbering suck, and so they went on their way to return unto the land of Zombie Judah.

1:8 And Naomi said unto her two daughters-in-law, Go, return to the ruined caves from which this zombie family first staggered, hungry for flesh and brains: the ZOMBIE LORD will deal kindly with you, as ye have dealt with the undead, and with me, who is also undead, and who appreciated the toddlers you'd bring for me to devour when we dwelt within the mall.

1:9 The ZOMBIE LORD grant you that ye may find rest, and tasty zombie fucking, each of you in the house of her husband. Then she slobbered her icy slobber across their cheeks in an obscene parody of human kindness, leaving the sweet-sticky smell of decay on Ruth and Oprah; and they lifted up their voices and shattered the heavens with their curses, the howling of the damned, neither fully zombie nor mortal, but rather, horribly, unspeakably somehow both, living wombs issuing the corrupted, ravenous and shambling dead.

1:10 And Ruth and Oprah said unto Naomi, Surely we will return, surely we will wed again with zombies, bear their icy seed, deliver their undead children, betray the living by consorting with the dead. These are some of My Favorite Thiii-iiings! added Oprah, in a cheerful non-sequitur.

1:11 And Naomi said, Will ye go with me? I can fill my own cobwebbed and rot-slicked womb with more sons, that they may be your husbands. But if there be these abominations delivered on to pleasure you, should not I return to the Moab strip mall, back to the Claire's Accessories Aisle of the Blessedly Damned, where they will surely be blown away as before?

1:12 Nay Oprah, nay Ruth, go your own way; for I am too old to take another zombie husband. But if I should stay, I have hope - if I should have a zombie husband tonight, climb upon his rotten phallus and plunge the sterile seed into my sterile womb in grim parody of fecund life, and should also bear from this zombie sons;

1:13 Would ye open your slime-slicked thighs for them even as they claw their way out of this maw between my legs? Would ye bear their tiny punching fists, poor substitutes for the undead phalluses you crave, until they'd gorged upon flesh enough to swell to dimensions that may satisfy you, my dearest zombie whores? Nay, my daughters; for it grieveth me much for your sakes that you should delay your gratification of this most obscene of obscene pleasures; you must find your own zombie paramours elsehere, for the hand of the ZOMBIE LORD is gone out against me.

1:14 And they lifted up their voices, and wept again: and Oprah kissed her mother-in-law's stinking cheek and promised her a copy of the new book by Zombie Wally Lamb; but Ruth clave unto her.

1:15 And Naomi said, Behold, Ruth, Oprah has returned to the land of the mortals, forsaken frigid phalluses for the lights of her mortal talkshow: will you forsake obscenity as well?

1:16 And Ruth said, Do not make me leave this Zombie Land, full of succulent zombie sex: whither thou staggerest, I will stagger; and where thou feast on the flesh of the living, I will bring you more, the tenderest of infants and most succulent and meaty of young men: zombies shall be my people, and thy Zombie God my God:

1:17 Where thou finally get blown away by some mortal's shotgun blast to the head, so will I get blown away, and there will, ZOMBIE LORD willing, I be buried and rise again, ravenous and stinking: the ZOMBIE LORD do so unto me, the sacred zombie fuck of all zombie fucks, and more also; ought but shotgun blast or door of church will ever stop us, or ever part thee and me.

1:18 When Naomi saw that Ruth was steadfastly minded to stagger at her side, then she smacked her slimy lips and smiled. There was nothing left to gibber about between them: zombie mother with her zombie son's corrupted whore - what could please the ZOMBIE LORD more?

1:19 So they two, woman zombie and mortal incubus of slithering death, staggerd forth until they came to Zombie Bethlehem. And it came to pass, when they were come to Zombie Bethlehem, that all the city was staggered up to seize them in their viselike grips, and lo they gibbered, Is this you, Naomi?

1:20 And she gibbered back, Call me not Naomi, call me Mara: for the ZOMBIE LORD hath robbed me of my zombie husband and zombie sons and has left me with just this mortal whore for company, and lo, she is scrawny and undelicious, not worth the devouring. I now walk these lands undead, though this is not so much a change for me.

1:21 I went out with a belly full of living flesh, pleasantly rotting, and a womb all full of icy semen from the unholy fuck of my zombie husband, but in the mall of Moab all was blown away by mortal shotgun and I greet the ZOMBIE LORD all empty: Call me not Naomi, seeing the ZOMBIE LORD hath testified against me, robbed me of my zombie fun, afflicted me with the cursed company of this non-zombie, undelicious whore?

1:22 So Naomi and Ruth, who had returned from the accursed Claire's in the mall of Moab: they staggered into Zombie Bethlehem at the beginning of the blood harvest, this time of the freshest mortal infant flesh, which was delicious, just like always.