Numbers 1

From Stinque Zombie Bible

1:1 And the ZOMBIE LORD spake unto Moses in the wilderness of Sinai, in the tabernacle of the congregation, on the first day of the second month, in the second year after they were come out of the land of Egypt, saying,

1:2 Take ye the sum of all the congregation of the children of Zombie Israel, and arrange them in descending order by tastiness, with the number of their names (because in zombie hebrew every letter has a numberic value), every male by their polls;

1:3 From twenty years dead and upward, all that are able to shuffle forth to war in pre-1967-borders Israel: thou and Aaron shall number them by their zombie armies.

1:4 And with you there shall be a zombie man of every tribe; every one head of the house of his fathers.

1:5 And these are the names of the zombies that shall stand with you: of the tribe of Reuben; Elizur the zombie son of Shedeur.

1:6 Of Simeon; Shelumiel the zombie son of Zurishaddai.

1:7 Of N-Judah; Nahshon the zombie son of Amminadab.

1:8 Of Issachar; Nethaneel the stinking zombie son of Zuar.

1:9 Of Zebulun; Eliab the undead son of twice-eaten Helon.

1:10 Of the children of Joseph: of Ephraim; Elishama the zombie son of Ammihud: of Manasseh; Gamaliel the rotting dead son of Pedahzur.

1:11 Of Benjamin; Abidan the zombie son of Gideoni.

1:12 Of Dan Halen; Ahiezer the putrified undead son of Ammishaddai, and sundry Squidbillies.

1:13 Of Asher; Pagiel the brunch of the zombie Ocran.

1:14 Of Gad; Eliasaph the zombified son of Deuel.

1:15 Of Naphtali; Ahira the shuffling zombie son of Enan.

1:16 These were the renowned of the zombie congregation, princes of the tribes of their fathers, who had cracked open heads of thousands in Israel, in order to feed.

1:17 And Moses and Aaron took these zombies which are expressed by their names:

1:18 And they assembled all the congregation together on the first day of the second month, and they declared their pedigrees after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years dead and upward, by their polls.

1:19 As the ZOMBIE LORD commanded Moses, so he numbered them in the wilderness of Sinai.

1:20 And the children of Reuben, Israel's eldest deli sammich, by their undead generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, by their polls, every zombie male from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to shuffle forth to war, dragging loosened body parts behind them;

1:21 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Reuben, extra brains, hold the mayo, were forty and six thousand and five hundred.

1:22 Of the zombie children of Simeon, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, those that were numbered of them, according to the number of the names, by their polls, every zombie male from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to shuffle forth to war;

1:23 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Simian, the zombie ape, were fifty and nine thousand and three hundred. And two unaccounted-for torsos.

1:24 Of the children of Gad, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to shamble forth to war;

1:25 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Gad, were forty and five thousand six hundred and fifty.

1:26 Of the children of N-Judah, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their zombie fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to take the Muni to war;

1:27 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of N-Judah, were threescore and fourteen thousand and six hundred. And they all waited three hours at the Muni stop, eating commuters.

1:28 Of the children of Issachar, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to shuffle forth to war;

1:29 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Issachar, were fifty and four thousand and four hundred.

1:30 Of the children of Zebulun, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to slouch forth to war;

1:31 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Zebulun, were fifty and seven thousand and four hundred.

1:32 Of the children of Joseph, namely, of the children of Ephraim, who were all unlicensed plumbers, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to go forth to eat brains;

1:33 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Ephraim, were forty thousand and five hundred. Plus a zombie dog.

1:34 Of the children of Manasseh, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to slouch forth to war;

1:35 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Manasseh, were thirty and two thousand and two hundred.

1:36 Of the children of Benjamin, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to crawl forth to war;

1:37 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Benjamin, were thirty and five thousand and four hundred.

1:38 Of the children of Dan Halen, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to limp forth to war;

1:39 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Dan Halen, were threescore and two thousand and seven hundred. Plus Rusty and Early and the Sheriff.

1:40 Of the children of Ashe, by their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to go forth to war with their clarinets;

1:41 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Asher, were forty and one thousand and five hundred.

1:42 Of the children of Naphtali, throughout their generations, after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to go forth with jaws flapping, to war;

1:43 Those that were numbered of them, even of the tribe of Naphtali, were fifty and three thousand and four hundred.

1:44 These are those that were numbered, which Moses and Aaron numbered, and the Zombie princes of Israel, being twelve zombies: each one was for the house of his fathers brains.

1:45 So were all those that were numbered of the children of Israel, by the house of their fathers, from twenty years dead and upward, all that were able to go forth to zombie war in Israel;

1:46 Even all they that were numbered were six hundred thousand and three thousand and five hundred and fifty.

1:47 But the Levites after the tribe of their zombie fathers were not numbered among them.

1:48 For the ZOMBIE LORD had spoken unto Moses, saying,

1:49 Only thou shalt not number the tribe of Levi, neither take the sum of them among the children of Israel:

1:50 But thou shalt appoint the Levites over the tabernacle of blue jeans testimony, and over all the vessels thereof, and over all things that belong to it: they shall bear the tabernacle, and all the vessels thereof; and they shall minister unto it, and shall encamp round about the tabernacle. And shall play cards and eat brains.

1:51 And when the tabernacle setteth forward, the Levites shall take it down: and when the tabernacle is to be pitched, the Levites shall set it up: and the stranger that cometh nigh shall be eaten.

1:52 And the children of Zombie Israel shall pitch their tents, every zombie by his own camp, and every zombie by his own standard, throughout their hosts.

1:53 But the Levites shall pitch round about the tabernacle of testimony, that there be no wrath upon the congregation of the children of Zombie Israel: and the Levites shall keep the charge of the tabernacle of zombie testimony.

1:54 And the children of Zombie Israel did according to all that the ZOMBIE LORD commanded Moses, so did they. Such as.