Matthew 5

From Stinque Zombie Bible

5:1 And seeing the zombie multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him with guns blazing:

5:2 And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,

5:3 Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of zombies.

5:4 Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be chased.

5:5 Blessed are the meek: for their brains shall be eaten first.

5:6 Blessed are zombies which hunger and thirst after brains: for they shall be filled.

5:7 Blessed are the merciful: for their brains shall be eaten next.

5:8 Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see them ripped out of their chests.

5:9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called dinner.

5:10 Blessed are they which use gunfire and chains saws for survival's sake: for theirs is the kingdom of survival.

5:11 Blessed are ye, when men shall shoot you, and burn you, and shall say all manner of evil (like calling you a Zombie when you're just the guitarist from an Edgar Winter cover band) against you falsely, for my sake.

5:12 Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were eaten before you.

5:13 Ye are the eaten of the earth: but if the brains have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be eaten? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be chumped under teeth of zombies.

5:14 Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill with enough firepower.

5:15 Neither do men light a flamethrower, and aim it a fellow man, but on a zombie; and it giveth napalm unto all that are in the house.

5:16 Let your flamethrowers so shine before Zombies, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

5:17 Think not that I am come to destroy the zombies, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to purify.

5:18 For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth and zombies pass, many bullets or many shells shall blaze from my gun, till all zombie dead be fulfilled.

5:19 Whosoever therefore shall eat one of these brains, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and slay them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.

5:20 For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven.

5:21 Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt kill; and whosoever shall not kill shall be in danger of the judgment and eaten.

5:22 But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his zombie brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his zombie brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the being eaten: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of chainsawed.

5:23 Therefore if thou bring thy brain to the altar, and there rememberest that thy zombie brother hath ought against thee;

5:24 Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy zombie brother, and then come and offer thy gift.

5:25 Shoot at thine zombie quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the zombie thee to bite, and the shotgun deliver buckshot to the zombie, and thou shall survive one more moment.

5:26 Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.

5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery:

5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a zombie to lust after her death committed adultery with her already in his heart.

5:29 And if zombie right eye offends thee, pluck it out, and cast it from zombie: for it is profitable for mankind that all of thy members should perish, and that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

5:30 And if zombie right hand offends thee, cut it off with a chainsaw, and cast it from zombie: for it is profitable for mankind that all of thy members should perish, and that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

5:31 It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:

5:32 But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.

5:33 Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:

5:34 But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne:

5:35 Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.

5:36 Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.

5:37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of brain eating.

5:38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:

5:39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall eat thee on thy right brain half, turn to him the other also.

5:40 And if any man will shoot lead at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.

5:41 And whosoever zombies shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.

5:42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.

5:43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt eat thy neighbour's brain, and eat those of thine enemy.

5:44 But I say unto you, save your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; because they might have better firepower

5:45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth zombies on the just and on the unjust.

5:46 For if ye shoot them which eat you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

5:47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so?

5:48 Be ye therefore have perfect aim, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.