Matthew 2

From Stinque Zombie Bible

2:1 Now when Zombie Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judaea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem,

2:2 Saying, Where is he that is born King of the Zombies? cuz we got a fresh can of whoopass for that undead piece of shit

2:3 When Herod the king had heard these things, he was relieved, and all Jerusalem with him.

2:4 And when he had gathered all the chief priests and scribes of the people together, he demanded of them where Zombie Christ should be found.

2:5 And they said unto him, In Bethlehem of Judaea: for thus it is written by the prophet,

2:6 And thou Bethlehem, in the land of Juda, art not the least among the princes of Juda: for out of thee shall come a super mesiah king zombie, that shall make all Israel tremble in fear.

2:7 Then Herod, when he had privily called the wise men, enquired of them diligently what time they planned to attack Zombie Jesus in his stable of doom.

2:8 And he sent them to Bethlehem, and said, Go and search diligently for the young child; and when ye have found him, shoot him in the head with a shotgun. You gotta blow off his head.

2:9 When they had heard the king, they departed; and, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young zombie child was.

2:10 When they saw the star, they loaded their shotguns.

2:11 And when they were come into the house, they saw the young zombie child with Mary his mother, and fell down, for their guts had been ripped out by the extremely fast and nimble baby zombie jesus.

2:12 And being warned of God in a dream that they should not confront baby zombie jesus, they regretted confronting baby zombie Jesus.

2:13 And when they were dead, behold, the angel of the Lord appeareth to Joseph in a dream, saying, Arise, and take the young zombie child and his mother, and flee into Egypt, and be thou there until I bring thee word: for Herod will seek the young zombie child to destroy him. Because Herod was the guy that tells you there are guys zombies can rip the guts out of and there's guys zombies can't rip the guts out of. Now, the wisemen weren't quite guys zombies can't rip the guts out of, but they were almost guys zombies can't rip the guts out of. So Herod was gonna make a fuckin' ruling on this right then. "You don't fuckin' rip the guts out of the three wisemen. You understand?"

2:14 When Joseph arose, he took the young child and his mother by night, and departed into Egypt:

2:15 And was there until the death and rebirth of zombie Herod: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying, Out of Egypt have I called my son.

2:16 Then Zombie Herod, when he saw that he was mocked of the wise men, was exceeding wroth, and sent forth, and ate the brains of all the children that were in Bethlehem, and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under, according to the time which he had diligently enquired of the wise men.

2:17 Then was filled of childrens' brains that which was spoken by Jeremy the prophet, saying,

2:18 In Rama was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children, whose brains had been eaten, and would not be comforted, because they are not.

2:19 But when Herod was dead, and Zombie Herod rose, behold, an angel of the Lord appeareth in a dream to Joseph in Egypt,

2:20 Saying, Arise, and take the young child and his mother, and go into the land of Israel: because Zombie Herod is PISSED!

2:21 And he arose, and took the young child and his mother, and came into the land of Israel.

2:22 But when he heard that Archelaus did reign in Judaea in the room of his father Herod, he was afraid to go thither: notwithstanding, being warned of God in a dream, he turned aside into the parts of Galilee:

2:23 And he came and dwelt in a city called Nazareth: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophets, He shall be called a Nazarene. And no zombie shall eat his brains.