Matthew 18
From Stinque Zombie Bible
18:1 At the same time came the chosen hoard unto Zombie Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of the undead?
18:2 And Jesus called a headless zombie unto him, and set him in the midst of them,
18:3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be turned, and become as headless zombies, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of the undead.
18:4 Whosoever therefore shall numb himself as this headless zombie, the same is fleshiest in the kingdom of the undead.
18:5 And who so shall feed on one such headless zombie in my name feeds on me.
18:6 But who so shall shuffle aside one of these headless ones which feed on me, it were better for him that thought be placed into his head and then drowned amongst a sea of the ravenous.
18:7 Woe unto the world because of thought! for it must needs be that thought comes; but woe to that man by whom the thought cometh!
18:8 Wherefore if thy brain thinks with rational thought, tear it out and devour it: it is better for thee to shuffle unflinching with the horde, rather than have a brain to question it.
18:9 And if thine eye see clearly, pluck it out and devour it. It is better for thee to have terrifying empty sockets than for thee to have eyes to see with.
18:10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these headless ones; for I say unto you, That in the kingdom of the undead their power zombies do always behold the face of my Great Zombie which is in the kingdom of the undead.
18:11 For zombie Jesus is come to save that which was lost.
18:12 How think ye? if a horde hath a hundred zombies, and one of them be gone astray, doth the hoard not continue shuffling?
18:13 And if so be that he shuffle far from the hoard, verily I say unto you, he likely shuffles from a different direction to surprise a live brain.
18:14 Even so it is not the will of the Great Zombie which is in heaven, that one of these headless ones should not shock a live brain from behind.
18:15 Moreover if thy zombie hoard doth not feast with you, go and feast on them. If they scream and convulse then you will have gained zombies!
18:16 But if he will not be bitten by thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses all flesh shall be infected.
18:17 And if he shall neglect to be infected, howl unto a power zombie: but if he neglect to fall to a power zombie, then he likely has a machine gun and the horde should continue shuffling until their heads stop splatting.
18:18 Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall infect shall be a zombie in the hoard: and whatsoever ye shall loose shall likely come prey to a surprise attack from a wondering zombie.
18:19 Again I moan unto you, That if two of you shall hoard together in hope of feast, it shall be done for them of the Great Zombie.
18:20 For where two or three are feasting together in my name, there am I am feasting with them.
18:21 Then came Peter to him, and said, son of the Great Zombie, how oft shall zombies feast on me, and I not feast on him? till seven times?
18:22 Zombie Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, just one time.
18:23 Therefore the kingdom of the undead is open to those infected just once.
18:24 And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which had still working brains.
18:25 But forasmuch as he had very little brains, Zombie Jesus commanded his head be hollowed out and licked clean.
18:26 The brainless zombie therefore fell down, and moaned and shuffled with him.
18:27 Then the Great Zombie shuffled with him, and hoarded with him.
18:28 But the same zombie went away from the hoard and found a living brain, but did not feast on all of it until the skull was clean.
18:29 And the living brains fought and ran and stumbled.
18:30 And the living brains retrieved a shotgun and beheaded him.
18:31 So when his fellow zombies saw what was done, they where very hungry, and hoarded until the ammo was gone and the brains scooped clean.
18:32 Then the Great Zombie devoured the shredded remains of the beheaded zombie and moaned.
18:33 Should though not have been a blind zombie? Or a brainless zombie?
18:34 And his Great Zombie was wroth, and turned his bones into a skeleton zombie.
18:35 So likewise, if thought remains when hoarding for brains, I will pluck out your eyes, scrape out your brains, and you shall be a skeleton zombie!