Leviticus 10

From Stinque Zombie Bible

10:1 And Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took either of them his censer, and put fire therein, and put incense thereon, and offered strange fire before the LORD, which he commanded them not; light not thy farts before the LORD.

10:2 And there went out Zombies from the LORD, and devoured them, and they became of the undead before the LORD.

10:3 Then Moses said unto Aaron, This is it that the LORD spake, saying, I will be sanctified in them that come nigh me, and before all the people I have Zombified. And Aaron kept his gob shut, lest he be found by the undead and Zombified.

10:4 And Moses called Mishael and Elzaphan, the sons of Uzziel the uncle of Aaron, and said unto them, Come near, carry the Zombies from before the sanctuary out of the mall.

10:5 So they went near, and put coats over the Zombies heads, and confused and drew them out of the mall; as Moses had said.

10:6 And Moses said unto Aaron, and unto Eleazar and unto Ithamar, his sons, Uncover not your heads, neither rend your clothes; lest thy brains be sucked out and devored, and lest Zombies descend upon all the people: but let your brethren, the whole house of Israel, bewail the Zombification which the LORD hath wrought.

10:7 And ye shall not go out from the door of the mall, lest ye die: for the anointing oil of the LORD is upon you. And they did according to the word of Moses.

10:8 And the LORD spake unto Aaron, saying,

10:9 Do not drink wine nor strong drink, thou, nor thy sons with thee, when ye go into the tabernacle of the congregation, lest thou let the Zombies in during thy hours of drunkenness: it shall be a statute for ever throughout your generations:

10:10 And that ye may put difference between the living and the undead, and between unclean and clean;

10:11 And that ye may teach the children of Israel all the statutes which the LORD hath spoken unto them by the hand of Moses.

10:12 And Moses spake unto Aaron, and unto Eleazar and unto Ithamar, his sons that were left, Take the meat offering that remaineth of the offerings of the LORD made by fire, and eat it without leaven beside the altar: for it is most holy:

10:13 And ye shall eat it in the holy place, because it is thy due, and thy sons' due, of the sacrifices of the LORD made by fire: for so I am commanded.

10:14 And the wave breast and heave shoulder shall ye eat in a clean place, once you clear the splatter out of the Food Court; thou, and thy sons, and thy daughters with thee (especially thy daughters): for they be thy due, and thy sons' due, which are given out of the sacrifices of peace offerings of the children of Israel.

10:15 The heave shoulder and the wave breast shall they bring with the offerings made by fire of the fat, to wave it for a wave offering before the LORD; wave therefore thy breasts at the LORD, o daughters, and it shall be thine, and thy sons' with thee, by a statute for ever; as the LORD hath commanded: show us thy tits!

10:16 And Moses diligently sought the goat of the sin offering, and, behold, it was burnt: and he was angry with Eleazar and Ithamar, the sons of Aaron which were left alive, saying,

10:17 Wherefore have ye not eaten the sin offering in the holy place, seeing it is most holy, and God hath given it you to bear the iniquity of the congregation, to make atonement for them before the LORD?

10:18 Behold, the blood of it was not brought in within the holy place: ye should indeed have eaten it in the holy place, as I commanded.

10:19 And Aaron said unto Moses, BRAAAAIIINNNS.

10:20 And when Moses heard that, he was content.