Judges 5

From Stinque Zombie Bible

5:1 Then sang Michelle and Barak Hussein the son of Obama on that day, saying,

5:2 Praise ye the LORD for the avenging of Israel, when the people willingly offered themselves.

5:3 Hear, O ye kings; give ear, and heart, and other fresh organs for harvest, O ye princes; I, even I, will sing unto the LORD; I will sing praise to the LORD God of Israel.

5:4 LORD, when thou wentest out of Seir, when thou marchedst out of the field of Edom, the earth trembled, and the heavens dropped, the clouds also dropped water, and the zombies awoke from their afternoon sleep.

5:5 The mountains melted from before the LORD, even that Sinai from before the LORD God of Israel - and the Sinai was a truly awesome thing to melt.

5:6 In the days of Shamgar the son of Anath, in the days of Jael, the highways were unoccupied, and the travellers walked through byways, whereas the zombies sped through using EZPass.

5:7 The inhabitants of the villages ceased, they ceased in Israel, until that I Deborah arose, that I arose a mother in Israel.

5:8 They chose new gods; then was war in the gates: was there a shield or spear seen among forty thousand in Israel? No, because the faces of the brave had been melted by zombie fear, their brains supped upon by the undead.

5:9 My heart is toward the governors of Israel, that offered themselves willingly for mid-day buffet to the zombie hordes. Bless ye the LORD.

5:10 Speak, ye that ride on white asses, ye that sit on white asses in judgment, and walk too infrequently by the way to keep those white asses from growing large.

5:11 They that are delivered from the noise of archers in the places of drawing water, there shall they rehearse the righteous acts of the LORD, even the righteous acts toward the inhabitants of his villages in Israel: then shall the people of the LORD go down to the gates and blow chunks to fend off the undead masses.

5:12 Awake, awake, Michelle: awake, awake, utter a song: arise, Barak Hussein, and lead thy captivity captive, thou son of Obama.

5:13 Then he made him that remaineth have dominion over the nobles among the people: the LORD made me have dominion over the mighty, and it was awesome because now they would go to the well, the gates, and the corner market for milk.

5:14 Out of Ephraim was there a root of them against Amalek; after thee, Benjamin, among thy people; out of Machir came down governors, and out of Zebulun they that handle the pen of the blogger.

5:15 And the princes of Issachar were with Michelle; even Issachar, and also Barak Hussein: he was sent on foot into the valley. For the divisions of Reuben there were great thoughts of heart.

5:16 Why abodest thou among the near-dead, to hear the bleatings of the damned? For the divisions of Reuben there were great searchings of heart.

5:17 Gilead abode beyond Jordan: and why did Dan remain in ships, was he a chickenshit? Asher continued on the sea shore, and crapped in his breaches.

5:18 Zebulun and Naphtali were a people that jeoparded their lives unto the death in the high places of the field.

5:19 The kings came and fought, then fought the kings of Canaan in Taanach by the waters of Megiddo; they took no gain of money, instead collecting tribute among the heaving breasts and tortured thighs of Jordan.

5:20 They fought from heaven; the stars in their courses fought against Sisera.

5:21 The river of Kishon swept them away, that ancient river, the river Kishon. O my soul, thou hast trodden down strength.

5:22 Then were the horsehoofs broken by the means of the pransings, the pransings of their mighty ones.

5:23 Curse ye Meroz, said the angel of the LORD, curse ye bitterly the inhabitants thereof; because they came not to the help of the LORD, to the help of the LORD against the zombies.

5:24 Blessed above women shall Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite be, blessed shall she be above women in the tent.

5:25 He asked water, and she gave him her breast; she brought forth love butter in an ermine dish.

5:26 She put her hand to her lap, and her right hand to the workmen's engorged tool; and with the tool she pestorked Sisera, she pestorked off his head, when she had pierced and stricken through his temples she knew he was truly ravished.

5:27 At her feet he bowed, he fell, he lay down: at her feet he bowed, he fell: where he bowed, there he fell down finished, dead, a zombie.

5:28 The mother of Sisera looked out at a window, and cried through the lattice, Why is his load so long in coming? why tarry the delivery of his load, is it not more than four hours and we should consult a physician?

5:29 Her wise ladies answered her, yea but give us a turn with his tool before you call, she returned answer to herself,

5:30 Have they not sped? have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two, or three or more; to Sisera a prey of divers colours, a prey of divers colours of flesh and bone, of divers colours of arteries and veins on both sides, meat for the necks of them that take the spoil?

5:31 So let all thine enemies perish, O LORD: but let them that feast on thine enemies be as the sun when he goeth forth in his might, scorching the flesh of those that follow. And the land had rest forty years.