Judges 4
From Stinque Zombie Bible
4:1 And the children of Israel again did evil in the sight of the LORD when Ehud was dead, although you would think they would have remembered that the LORD could be a total jerk if you pissed him off.
4:2 And the LORD sold them into the hand of Jabin king of Canaan, that reigned in Hazor, for forty bucks American; the captain of whose host was Sisera, which dwelt in Harosheth of the Gentiles, and all their sandwiches were on white with Miracle Whip.
4:3 And the children of Israel cried unto the LORD: for he had nine hundred chariots of iron; and twenty years he mightily oppressed the children of Israel by making them rotate the wheels of his chariots after spin balancing them.
4:4 And Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, she judged Israel at that time, and she was a bitch so it probably would not be pretty.
4:5 And she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in mount Ephraim: and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment and maybe a Sanka if she felt like it.
4:6 And she sent and called Barak the son of Abinoam out of Kedeshnaphtali and got him on his cell phone, and said unto him, Hath not the LORD God of Israel commanded, saying, Go and draw toward mount Tabor, and take with thee ten thousand men of the children of Naphtali and of the children of Zebulun?
4:7 And I will draw unto thee to the river Kishon Sisera, the captain of Jabin's army, with his freshly-aligned chariots and his multitude that included a dozen Zombies; and I will deliver him into thine hand.
4:8 And Barak said unto her, If thou wilt go with me, then I will go: but if thou wilt not go with me, then I will not go because I am sick and tired of not having anyone to talk to on these long trips.
4:9 And she said, I will surely go with thee: notwithstanding the journey that thou takest shall not be for thine honour; for the LORD shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman who resembled Scarlett Johansson, and who would not want to hit that? And Deborah arose, and went with Barak to Kedesh.
4:10 And Barak called Zebulun and Naphtali to Kedesh; and he went up with ten thousand men at his feet: and Deborah went up with him as he had promised to buy her a complete set of cookware when they got back, the French copper stuff, not that Circulon crap.
4:11 Now Heber the Kenite, which was of the children of Hobab the father in law of Moses, had severed himself from the Kenites, which was very painful, and pitched his tent unto the plain of Zaanaim, which is by Kedesh, only to realize he had forgotten the rest of his camping equipment.
4:12 And they shewed Sisera that Barak the son of Abinoam was gone up to mount Tabor because he had heard the view was pretty good and there were a couple of restaurants.
4:13 And Sisera gathered together all his chariots, even nine hundred chariots of iron, the ones with fresh alignments, and all the people that were with him, from Harosheth of the Gentiles unto the river of Kishon where they had heard the fishing was good.
4:14 And Deborah said unto Barak, Up; for this is the day in which the LORD hath delivered Sisera into thine hand: is not the LORD gone out before thee? So Barak went down from mount Tabor, and ten thousand men after him, which he really did not mind because the view turned out to be lousy and the only restaurant was an Olive Garden.
4:15 And the LORD discomfited Sisera, and all his chariots, and all his host, both Bob Barker and Monty Hall, with the edge of the sword before Barak; so that Sisera lighted down off his chariot, and fled away on his feet with hundreds of Zombies in hot pursuit.
4:16 But Barak pursued after the chariots, and after the host, unto Harosheth of the Gentiles: and all the host of Sisera fell upon the edge of the sword, even Bob and Monty; and there was not a man left once the Zombies cleaned up.
4:17 Howbeit Sisera fled away on his feet to the tent of Jael the wife of Heber the Kenite because he heard she put out for anyone: for there was peace between Jabin the king of Hazor and the house of Heber the Kenite, which was on a nice five acre wooded lot and had a finished basement with an in-law suite.
4:18 And Jael went out to meet Sisera, and said unto him, Turn in, my lord, turn in to me; fear not. And when he had turned in unto her into the tent, she covered him with a mantle, and he wondered whether this sort of foreplay was common in these parts.
4:19 And he said unto her, Give me, I pray thee, a little water to drink; for I am thirsty. And she opened a bottle of milk, and gave him drink, and covered him with the same mantle that smelled like it had not been washed in many fortnights.
4:20 Again he said unto her, Stand in the door of the tent, and it shall be, when any man doth come and enquire of thee, and say, Is there any man here? that thou shalt say, No, I am not that kind of girl.
4:21 Then Jael Heber's wife took a nail of the tent, and took an hammer in her hand, one of those big Craftsman hammers, and went softly unto him, and he was not paying attention anyway because he still thought he might get laid, and smote the nail into his temples, and fastened it into the ground: for he was fast asleep and weary. So he died, and he did not get any.
4:22 And, behold, as Barak pursued Sisera, Jael came out to meet him, and said unto him, Come, and I will shew thee the man whom thou seekest. And when he came into her tent, behold, Sisera lay dead, and the nail was in his temples, not a half-penny nail either, but a big spikey thing.
4:23 So God subdued on that day Jabin the king of Canaan before the children of Israel showing yet again that the LORD learns nothing from experience because you know the children of Israel would go out a whoring again in no time.
4:24 And the hand of the children of Israel prospered, and prevailed against Jabin the king of Canaan, until they had destroyed Jabin king of Canaan, mostly using a bunch of those big nails they stole from Jael. And there was much rejoicing.