Judges 3
From Stinque Zombie Bible
3:1 Now these are the nations which the LORD left, to prove Israel by them, even as many of Israel as had not known all the wars of Canaan;
3:2 Only that the generations of the children of Israel might know, to teach them war and basic plumbing, at the least such as before knew nothing thereof;
3:3 Namely, five lords of the Philistines, and all the Canaanites, and the Sidonians, and the Hivites that dwelt in mount Lebanon, from mount Baalhermon unto the entering in of Hamath, which if you say it without the lisp sounds like a terrorist organization.
3:4 And they were to prove Israel by them, to know whether they would hearken unto the commandments of the LORD, which he commanded their fathers by the hand of Moses, or if they would keep a whoring and eating crabcakes.
3:5 And the children of Israel dwelt among the Canaanites, Hittites, and Amorites, and Perizzites, and Hivites, and Jebusites, and it was really crowded because it was a small fifth floor walkup, and verily they did not get any light in the back:
3:6 And they took their daughters to be their wives, and gave their daughters to their sons, which was really icky, and served their gods when they were not otherwise busy committing incest and eating ham and cheese sandwiches.
3:7 And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD, right out there where HE could see it and everything, and forgat the LORD their God, and served Baalim and the groves.
3:8 Therefore the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia and the nicer parts of South Jersey: and the children of Israel served Chushanrishathaim eight years until they finally learned to spell his name correctly.
3:9 And when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised up a deliverer to the children of Israel, who delivered them, even Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother, because the LORD had a splitting headache from all that crying and HE had run out of Extra-Strength Tylenol.
3:10 And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he judged Israel, and went out to war: and the LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand; and his hand prevailed against Chushanrishathaim; and it took the children of Israel forever to chisel him name off of all the palaces and post offices.
3:11 And the land had rest forty years. And Othniel the son of Kenaz died, but first he got chased all over the place by the Zombies, who figured he was slowing down.
3:12 And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD, and the LORD thought seriously about turning the car right around: but instead the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel, because they had done evil in the sight of the LORD even though you would have thought they would know that if they did, the LORD would just start smiting people like the last time.
3:13 And he gathered unto him the children of Ammon and Amalek, and went and smote Israel, which was surprising since he just had children with him and no Zombies, and possessed the city of palm trees, that would later be called Miami.
3:14 So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years which was annoying because Eglon was constantly sending things back and complaining about spots on his flatware.
3:15 But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised them up another deliverer, which was getting kind of old at that point, Ehud the son of Gera, a Benjamite, a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab.
3:16 But Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh even though it was wicked cold and the scabbard kept poking him in the knee.
3:17 And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man who, although he had intially done well with Jenny Craig, could not end his relationship with Sara Lee.
3:18 And when he had made an end to offer the present, he sent away the people that bare the present as they would have ruined the surprise.
3:19 But he himself turned again from the quarries that were by Gilgal, and said, I have a secret errand unto thee, O king: who said, Keep silence. And all that stood by him went out from him even though they did not trust Ehud for a second.
3:20 And Ehud came unto him; and he was sitting in a summer parlour, which he had for himself alone. And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee but I have to whisper it in your ear. And he arose out of his seat, a very nice Stickley reproduction.
3:21 And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly, totally ruining the king's best silk shirt:
3:22 And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly, which upset Ehud because he figured he could sell the dagger on ebay for many sheckels; and the dirt came out.
3:23 Then Ehud went forth through the porch, and shut the doors of the parlour upon him, and locked them as he did not want to be stomped to death by the royal guard.
3:24 When he was gone out, his servants came; and when they saw that, behold, the doors of the parlour were locked, they said, Surely he covereth his feet in his summer chamber or maybe he is trying to get into that servant girl's pants again.
3:25 And they tarried till they were ashamed: and, behold, he opened not the doors of the parlour; therefore they took a key, and opened them: and, behold, their lord was fallen down dead on the earth because a big hole in your belly will do that.
3:26 And Ehud escaped while they tarried, and passed beyond the quarries, and escaped unto Seirath where he knew there was a Motel 6 that always had a vacancy.
3:27 And it came to pass, when he was come, that he blew a trumpet in the mountain of Ephraim, and the motel manager told him to cut that the hell out did not he know that it was the middle of the night, and the children of Israel went down with him from the motel, and he before them.
3:28 And he said unto them, Follow after me: for the LORD hath delivered your enemies the Moabites into your hand. And they went down after him, and took the fords of Jordan toward Moab, and suffered not a man to pass over, but Jordan was angry because when he came home all his Mustangs and Escorts were gone.
3:29 And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, mostly frat boys, all lusty, and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man because the Zombies finished off anybody who tried to escape.
3:30 So Moab was subdued that day under the hand of Israel. And the land had rest fourscore years except for the Zombies chasing the children of Israel all over the place.
3:31 And after him was Shamgar the son of Anath, which slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad, which is pretty amazing when you think about it because it must have been difficult to kill that many men with a cattle prod: and he also delivered Israel.