Judges 15
From Stinque Zombie Bible
15:1 But it came to pass within a while after, in the time of harvest, that Samson visited his wife with a kid; and he said, I will go in to my wife into the chamber and offer her this kid. But her father would not suffer him to go in because he was sick of some guy with unruly hair schtupping his eldest daughter at will.
15:2 And her father said, I verily thought that thou hadst utterly loved her; therefore I gave her to thy companion: is not her younger sister fairer than she? take her and have at it, I pray thee, instead of her.
15:3 And Samson said concerning them, Now shall I be more blameless than the Philistines, though I do them a displeasure. And he had sexy time upon his wife’s younger sister and then because of spite his wife's father for having allowed his companion to take his wife and make her do everything, including anal.
15:4 And Samson went and caught three men, and took firebrands, and turned arm to arm, and put a firebrand in the midst between two arms, which hurt like hell.
15:5 And when he had set the brands on fire, he did roast the arms in with the corn of the Philistines, and he did consume the arms and corn, with the vineyards and olives, because that Zombie stuff was beginning to rub off on him.
15:6 Then the Philistines said, Who hath done this? And they answered, Samson, the son in law of the Timnite, because he had taken his wife, and given her to his companion. And the Philistines came up, and burnt her and her father with fire, which stunk up the place pretty good.
15:7 And Samson said unto them, Though ye have done this, yet will I be avenged of you, and after that I will cease, and retire to my place in Vermont.
15:8 And he feasted upon them hip and thigh with a great laughter: and he went down and dwelt in the top of the rock Etam and created many more zombies with which to exact his revenge.
15:9 Then the Philistines went up, and pitched in Judah, and spread themselves in Lehi.
15:10 And the zombies of Judah said, Why are ye come up against us? And they answered, To bind Samson are we come up, to do to him as he hath done to us.
15:11 Then three thousand zombies of Judah went to the top of the rock Etam, and said to Samson, Knowest thou not that the Philistines are rulers over us? what is this that thou hast done unto us? And he said unto them, I have feasted upon their hips and thighs and they were most tender. Come let us partake further of this succulent Philistine prey.
15:12 And they said unto him, We are come down to bind thee, that we may deliver thee into the hand of the Philistines. And Samson said unto them, Swear unto me, that ye will not consume me yourselves for I have plans for them that seek me.
15:13 And they spake unto him, saying, No; but we will bind thee fast, and deliver thee into their hand: but surely we will not kill thee. And they bound him with two new cords, and brought him up from the rock.
15:14 And when he came unto Lehi, the Philistines shouted against him: and the Spirit of the LORD Zombie came mightily upon him, and the cords that were upon his arms became as rotting flesh that was burnt with fire, and his bands loosed from off his hands.
15:15 And he found a his jawbone ached to partake of their flesh, and put forth his hand, and jaw and slew a thousand men therewith.
15:16 And Samson said, With my hand and jaw, heaps upon heaps, with my hand and jaw have I slain a thousand men. And then didst the thousand bodies rise back to fight once again, and stand along side of Samson. And then Samson and the zombie Philistines consumed the remainder.
15:17 And it came to pass, when he had made an end of the remainder, that he shuned the Philistine zombie horde, and called that place Ramathlehi.
15:18 And he was sore athirst for the zombie horde had consumed both the flesh and blood of the remainder and left none for him, and called on the LORD Zombie, and said, Thou hast given this great deliverance into the hand of thy servant: and now shall I die for thirst of blood, and fall into the hand of the living?
15:19 But God clave an hollow place that was in the jaw of a Philistine, and there came blood thereout; and when he had drunk, his spirit came again, and he revived: wherefore he called the name thereof Enhakkore, which is in Lehi unto this day.
15:20 And he judged all in the days of the Philistines twenty years.