Judges 14

From Stinque Zombie Bible

14:1 And Samson went down to Timnath, and saw a Zombie woman therein feasting on the daughters of the Philistines.

14:2 And he came up, and told his father and his mother, and said,I have seen a Zombie woman in Timnath feasting on the daughters of the Philistines: now therefore get her for me to wife because Zombies are wild in the sack.

14:3 Then his father and his mother said unto him, Is there never a woman among the daughters of thy brethren, or among all my people, that thou goest to take a wife of the Zombies who eat Philistines? And Samson said unto his father, Get her for me; for she pleaseth me well, and because I'm sick of pleasething myself in the shower every morning.

14:4 But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the LORD, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines: for at that time the Philistines had dominion over Zombies.

14:5 Then went Samson down, and his father and his mother, to Timnath, and came to the vineyards of Timnath: and, behold, a young Zombie roared against him.

14:6 And the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and he was rent by the zombie as he would have rent a kid, and he had nothing in his hand: and he was rent and through his renting he told not his father or his mother what he had happened because he figured he'd never get to nail that Zombie chick if they knew about it.

14:7 And he went down, and talked with the Zombie woman; and she pleased Samson well behind a tent.

14:8 And after a time he returned to take her, and he turned aside to see the carcass of the daughters: and, behold, there was a swarm of bees and honey in the carcass of the daughters.

14:9 And he took thereof in his hands, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcass of the daughters.

14:10 So his father went down unto the woman: and Samson made there a feast for his father; and so used the young men to do vile acts.

14:11 And it came to pass, when they saw him, that they brought thirty companions to be with him because he was such a sex addict that he put even David Duchovny to shame.

14:12 And Samson said unto them, I will now put forth a riddle unto you: if ye can certainly declare it me within the seven days of the feast, and find it out, then I will give you thirty heads of 8 year old boys that ye may dine in the full richness of desserts:

14:13 But if ye cannot declare it me, then shall ye give me thirty heads of 8 year old boys that I may dine in the full richness of desserts. And they said unto him, Put forth thy riddle, that we may hear it.

14:14 And he said unto them, Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong came forth sweetness. And they could not in three days expound the riddle, so they were well and truly fucked.

14:15 And it came to pass on the seventh day, that they said unto Samson's wife, Entice thy husband, that he may declare unto us the riddle, lest we burn thee and cut off thy allowance: have ye called us to take that we have? is it not so?

14:16 And Samson's wife wept before him, and said, Thou dost but hate me, and lovest me not: thou hast put forth a riddle unto the zombies which are my people, and hast not told it me. And he said unto her, Behold, I have not told it my father nor my mother, and shall I tell it thee? Are you fucking kidding me?

14:17 And she wept before him the seven days, while their feast lasted: and it came to pass on the seventh day, that he told her, because she lay sore upon him and because if the crying didn't stop he was pretty sure he was going to lose it: and she told the riddle to the zombies which were her people.

14:18 And the zombies of the city said unto him on the seventh day before the sun went down, What is sweeter than honey? And what is stronger than a lion? and he said unto them, If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not found out my riddle.

14:19 And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he went down to Ashkelon, and slew thirty 8 year old boys of them, and took their heads, and gave the heads unto them which expounded the riddle. And his anger was kindled, and he went up to his father's house and feasted on a nice New York strip.

14:20 But Samson's wife was given to his companion, whom he had used as his friend, although wife-swapping was pretty rare back then.