Judges 11
From Stinque Zombie Bible
11:1 Now Jephthah the Gileadite was a mighty man of valour, and he was the son of an harlot who resembled Britney Spears: and Gilead begat Jephthah.
11:2 And Gilead's wife bare him sons; and his wife's sons grew up, and they thrust out Jephthah, and said unto him, Thou shalt not inherit in our father's house; for thou art the son of a strange woman, and because you always drink the last of the orange juice and put back the empty container.
11:3 Then Jephthah fled from his brethren, and dwelt in the land of Tob which was just off the Merritt Parkway: and there were gathered vain men to Jephthah, a host of Pauly Shores, and went out with him.
11:4 And it came to pass in process of time, that the children of Ammon made war against Israel since there was nothing else to do in a fucking desert.
11:5 And it was so, that when the children of Ammon made war against Israel, the elders of Gilead went to fetch Jephthah out of the land of Tob because they figured he'd forgotten about Gilead's sons tossing him out on his ass:
11:6 And they said unto Jephthah, Come, and be our captain, that we may fight with the children of Ammon, and the children of Brangelina, and the children of the corn.
11:7 And Jephthah said unto the elders of Gilead, Did not ye hate me, and expel me out of my father's house, and force me to live in the middle of fucking nowhere with all these Zombies running around? and why are ye come unto me now when ye are in distress?
11:8 And the elders of Gilead said unto Jephthah, Therefore we turn again to thee now, that thou mayest go with us, and fight against the children of Ammon, and be our head over all the inhabitants of Gilead, and we're really really sorry we were mean to you, and we promise to never do it again, even if you drink all the orange juice.
11:9 And Jephthah said unto the elders of Gilead, If ye bring me home again to fight against the children of Ammon, and the LORD deliver them before me, shall I be your head, or will those two fuckwits from Gilead be in charge?
11:10 And the elders of Gilead said unto Jephthah, The LORD be witness between us, if we do not so according to thy words, may he pluck out our eyes, flay the flesh from our backs, and dance the watusi on our graves.
11:11 Then Jephthah went with the elders of Gilead, and the people made him head and captain over them: and Jephthah uttered all his words before the LORD in Mizpeh, and the LORD said unto Jephthah that he could really use a script doctor.
11:12 And Jephthah sent messengers unto the king of the children of Ammon, saying, What hast thou to do with me, that thou art come against me to fight in my land, is it something I said? Something I did? Are you just fucking with me?
11:13 And the king of the children of Ammon answered unto the messengers of Jephthah, Because Israel took away my land, when they came up out of Egypt, from Arnon even unto Jabbok, and unto Jordan: now therefore restore those lands again peaceably, and leave them broom clean and free and clear of trash and debris.
11:14 And Jephthah sent messengers again unto the king of the children of Ammon to put a lid on that shit:
11:15 And said unto him, Thus saith Jephthah, Israel took not away the land of Moab, nor the land of the children of Ammon, but only took away a utility easement which is pretty reasonable:
11:16 But when Israel came up from Egypt, and walked through the wilderness unto the Red sea, and came to Kadesh, and checked into the Ramada;
11:17 Then Israel sent messengers unto the king of Edom, saying, Let me, I pray thee, pass through thy land: but the king of Edom would not hearken thereto because last time that happened it cost him a fortune to clean up the trash and reseed. And in like manner they sent unto the king of Moab: but he would not consent: and Israel abode in Kadesh and ran up their hotel bill.
11:18 Then they went along through the wilderness, and compassed the land of Edom, and the land of Moab, and came by the east side of the land of Moab, and pitched on the other side of Arnon, but came not within the border of Moab: for Arnon was the border of Moab and Moab Republicans had built a border fence.
11:19 And Israel sent messengers unto Sihon king of the Amorites, the king of Heshbon; and Israel said unto him, Let us pass, we pray thee, through thy land into my place since the King of Moab is such a shitbag.
11:20 But Sihon trusted not Israel to pass through his coast: but Sihon gathered all his people together, and pitched in Jahaz, and fought against Israel, which was really stupid because Israel goes, what, nine for ten in these things?
11:21 And the LORD God of Israel delivered Sihon and all his people into the hand of Israel, and they smote them: so Israel possessed all the land of the Amorites, the inhabitants of that country, including a few pretty nice golf courses and an Indian casino.
11:22 And they possessed all the coasts of the Amorites, from Arnon even unto Jabbok, every purple mountin and every fruited plain, and from the wilderness even unto Jordan.
11:23 So now the LORD God of Israel hath dispossessed the Amorites from before his people Israel and put their furniture out on the street, and shouldest thou possess it, including the mineral rights?
11:24 Wilt not thou possess that which Chemosh thy god giveth thee to possess, especially since the water and sewer has already been put in? So whomsoever the LORD our God shall drive out from before us, them will we possess.
11:25 And now art thou any thing better than Balak the son of Zippor, king of Moab? did he ever strive against Israel, or did he ever fight against them, or even short sheet their beds?
11:26 While Israel dwelt in Heshbon and her towns, and in Aroer and her towns, and in all the cities that be along by the coasts of Arnon, and all the cabanas thereon, three hundred years? why therefore did ye not recover them within that time especially since you'd put down a sizeable deposit?
11:27 Wherefore I have not sinned against thee, but thou doest me wrong to war against me: the LORD the Judge be judge this day between the children of Israel and the children of Ammon, and the fight will go twelve rounds unless there's a knockout.
11:28 Howbeit the king of the children of Ammon hearkened not unto the words of Jephthah which he sent him, in part because the King had forgotten to turn up his Miracle Ear.
11:29 Then the Spirit of the LORD came upon Jephthah, and he passed over Gilead, and Manasseh, and passed over Mizpeh of Gilead, and from Mizpeh of Gilead he passed over unto the children of Ammon, and then took a nap because he was tired what with all the passing.
11:30 And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the LORD though he crossed his fingers behind his back, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands,
11:31 Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the LORD's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering and serve it with your choice of vegetables.
11:32 So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the LORD delivered them into his hands, but this time he used Fedex two-day instead of UPS Ground.
11:33 And he smote them from Aroer, even till thou come to Minnith, even twenty cities, and unto the plain of the vineyards, with a very great slaughter. Thus the children of Ammon were subdued before the children of Israel because what choice did they have when pretty much everybody was lying around with their limbs hacked off?
11:34 And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances and wearing a little Carmen Miranda number complete with the fruit on the head: and she was his only child; beside her he had neither son nor daughter.
11:35 And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: for I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back, because he'll just start dropping frogs on us again.
11:36 And she said unto him, My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the LORD, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth, unless it's some really sick shit; forasmuch as the LORD hath taken vengeance for thee of thine enemies, even of the children of Ammon.
11:37 And she said unto her father, Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows, becuase I really need to get laid.
11:38 And he said, Go. And he sent her away for two months: and she went with her companions, including Zombies, and bewailed her virginity upon the mountains because he knew she'd hit a singles bar as soon as she found one.
11:39 And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man, which put a serious dent in her sex life. And it was a custom in Israel,
11:40 That the daughters of Israel went yearly to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite four days in a year, and their husbands had to get by on takeout and frozen pizza.