Joshua 1

From Stinque Zombie Bible

1:1 Now after the death of Moses the servant of the LORD, his body laid still for about an hour, until it began to twitch then struggle up onto its feet, and then gnaw upon its own arm and fingers. Then it came to pass, that the LORD spake unto Joshua the son of Nun, Moses' minister, saying,

1:2 Moses my servant is now un-dead and he sees you; now therefore arise, go over this Jordan, thou, and all this people, and getteth your asses over there as fast as you can because it is said that Zombie Moses cannot swim nor make it across that river and go unto the land which I do give to them, even to the children of Israel.

1:3 Every place that the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you that is seperated from zombies by deep water, as I said unto Moses, is a zombie free zone.

1:4 However, from the wilderness and this Lebanon even unto the great river, the river Euphrates, all the land of the Hittites, and unto the great sea toward the going down of the sun, this shall be your coast, but it is surrounded by land on all sides so there too will be zombies--just not Zombie Moses, because he will be stuck on the other side of the Jordan for now, unless he walks into the river and it violently pulls him into its midst above his helpless zombie wimper and it washes him and his windmilling-flaying-arms up onto the shore on the west side. Then he'll probably catch your scent and follow you across the rocky, dry semi-arid landscape, until his legs are worn down to nubbins like used pencil erasers. Then he'll drag himself with his arms and fingers moving in a staccato-zombie fashion.

1:5 There shall not any man be able to stand before thee with nubs for legs all the days of thy life: as it is with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, unless thou becomest a zombie, which to be honest, is pretty damn likely in this scenario.

1:6 Be strong and of a good courage if you are bitten by a zombie: for unto this people shalt thou divide for an inheritance the land (before you enter your vegetative zombie state) which I sware unto their fathers to give them.

1:7 Only be thou strong and very courageous and keep away from the zombies and Zombie Moses, that thou mayest observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded thee before his brain was rifled with many holes by the zombie virus: turn not from it to the right hand or to the left, that thou mayest prosper withersoever thou goest.

1:8 This book of the law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein day and night, that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein: for then thou shalt make thy way prosperous, and then thou shalt have good success.

1:9 Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.

1:10 Then Joshua commanded the officers of the people, saying,

1:11 Pass through the host, and command the people, saying, Prepare you victuals; for within three days ye shall pass over this Jordan, to go in to possess the land, which the LORD your God giveth you to possess it.

1:12 And to the Reubenites, and to the Gadites, and to half the tribe of Manasseh, spake Joshua, saying,

1:13 Remember the word which Moses the servant of the LORD commanded you, saying, The LORD your God hath given you rest, and hath given you this land.

1:14 Your wives, your little ones, and your cattle, shall remain in the land which Moses gave you on this side Jordan; but ye shall pass before your brethren armed, all the mighty men of valour, and help them;

1:15 Until the LORD have given your brethren rest, as he hath given you, and they also have possessed the land which the LORD your God giveth them: then ye shall return unto the land of your possession, and enjoy it, which Moses the LORD's servant gave you on this side Jordan toward the sunrising.

1:16 And they answered Joshua, saying, All that thou commandest us we will do, and whithersoever thou sendest us, we will go.

1:17 According as we hearkened unto Moses in all things, so will we hearken unto thee: only the LORD thy God be with thee, as he was with Moses.

1:18 Whosoever he be that doth rebel against thy commandment, and will not hearken unto thy words in all that thou commandest him, he shall be put to death: only be strong and of a good courage.