Jonah 1

From Stinque Zombie Bible

1:1 Now the word of the SHOTGUN came unto Jason the son of Bruce, saying,

1:2 Arise, go to L.A., that great city, and fight against it; for their risen bodies have appeared before me.

1:3 But Jason rose up to flee unto Vegas from the presence of the SHOTGUN, and went down to Baker; and he found a car going to Vegas: so he paid the ammo required, and jumped into the backseat, to go with them unto Vegas from the presence of the SHOTGUN.

1:4 But the SHOTGUN sent out a great wind into the desert, and there was a mighty sandstorm, so that the car was like to be overturned or buried.

1:5 Then the others were afraid, and cried every man unto his god, and cast forth the supplies that were in the car out the window, to lighten it of them. But Jason was hunkered down in the backseat of the car; and he lay, and was fast asleep.

1:6 So the driver poked him, and said unto him, What is thy problem, O fucker? arise, call upon thy God, if so be that God will think upon us, that we perish not.

1:7 And they said every one to his fellow, Come, and let us draw straws, that we may know for whose cause this damn storm is upon us. So they drew straws, and the short one fell upon Jason.

1:8 Then said they unto him, Tell us, we pray thee, for whose cause this storm upon us; What is thine occupation? and whence comest thou? what is thy country? and of what people art thou?

1:9 And he said unto them, I am an Coward; and I fear the SHOTGUN, the God of survivors, which hath made the kills and the safe havens.

1:10 Then were the men exceedingly afraid, and said unto him. Why the hell did you get in our car? For the men knew that he fled from the presence of the SHOTGUN, because he had told them that he did.

1:11 Then said they unto him, What shall we do unto thee, that the desert may be calm unto us? for the storm blew, and was tempestuous.

1:12 And he said unto them, Unlock my door, and cast me forth to the ditch; so shall the desert be calm unto you: for I know that for my sake this great tempest is upon you.

1:13 Nevertheless the men drove hard to bring it to the edge of the storm; but they could not: for the sand blew, and was blinding against them.

1:14 Wherefore they cried unto the SHOTGUN, and said, We beseech thee, O SHOTGUN, we beseech thee, let us not perish for this stupid ass, and don't make us blow away a survivor: for thou, O SHOTGUN, hast done as it pleased thee.

1:15 So they took up Jason, and cast him forth to the ditch: and the storm ceased from being on the rag.

1:16 Then the men feared the SHOTGUN exceedingly, and offered a sacrifice unto the SHOTGUN, and made vows.

1:17 Now the SHOTGUN had prepared a sand worm to swallow up Jason. And Jason was in the belly of the worm three days and three nights.