John 3
From Stinque Zombie Bible
3:1 There was a man of the Pharisees, named Nicodemus, a ruler of the zombies:
3:2 The same came to Jesus by night, and said unto him, Rabbi, we know that thou art a zombie come from God: for no living man be so rotted and yet walk and bite, except as a zombie.
3:3 Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except as a zombie born again, man cannot see the mall of God.
3:4 Nicodemus saith unto him, Holy crap, we have to be zombies?
3:5 Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be dead and yet still of the flesh, he cannot enter into the mall of God.
3:6 That which is born of the flesh is flesh; and that which is born of the Spirit doesn't spew when you bite it.
3:7 Marvel not that I said unto thee, Ye must be born again.
3:8 The wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence it cometh, and whither it goeth: so is every one that is born of the Spirit.
3:9 Nicodemus answered and said unto him, How can these things be?
3:10 Jesus answered and said unto him, Art thou a master of Israel, and knowest not these things?
3:11 Verily, verily, I say unto thee: Tellin' you all the Zomby troof: here I'm is, the Zomby Woof.
3:12 If I have told you earthly things, and ye believe not, how shall ye believe, if I tell you of heavenly things?
3:13 And no man hath ascended up to heaven, but he that came down from heaven, even the Son of man which is in heaven.
3:14 And as Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of man be lifted up:
3:15 That whosoever becomes a zombie by him should not perish, but be eternally undead.
3:16 For God so loved the world, that he made His Son a zombie, and whoever is bitten by the Son shall also become zombie and be undead everlasting.
3:17 For God sent not his zombie Son into the world to save the world; but to eat its brains.
3:18 He that is a zombie by him is not condemned: but he that is not a zombie already, because he hath not been bitten by a zombie of the only begotten zombie-Son of God.
3:19 And this is the condemnation, that light is come into the world, and men loved darkness rather than light, because their deeds were evil.
3:20 For every one that doeth evil hateth the light, neither cometh to the light, lest his deeds should be reproved.
3:21 But he that doeth truth cometh to the light, that his deeds may be made manifest, that they are wrought in God.
3:22 After these things came Jesus and his disciples into the land of Judaea; and there he tarried with them, and baptized.
3:23 And John also was zombified in Aenon near to Salim, because there was much gore there: and they came, and were made zombies.
3:24 For John had not yet had his head blown of by a shotgun.
3:25 Then there arose a question between some of John's disciples and the Jews about zombification.
3:26 And they came unto John, and said unto him, "Arrrgh!, graghn mrrgr aargh, wooaang aaahg", for they were zombies and could not speak.
3:27 John answered and said, A man can not be zombie, except he be bitten by zombie.
3:28 Ye yourselves bear me witness, that I said, I am not the zombie-Son, but that I am sent before him.
3:29 He that hath the bride is the bridegroom: but the friend of the bridegroom, which standeth and heareth him, rejoiceth greatly because had sweaty, drunken last-chance-at-freedom sex with her just after the bachelorette party: this my joy therefore is fulfilled.
3:30 He must increase, but I must decrease.
3:31 He that cometh from above is above all: he that is of the earth is earthly, and speaketh of the earth: he that cometh from heaven is above all.
3:32 And what he hath seen and heard, that he testifieth; and no man receiveth his testimony, because they're too busy running away from the zombies.
3:33 He that hath received his testimony hath set to his seal that God is true.
3:34 For he whom God hath sent speaketh the words of God: for God giveth not the Spirit by measure unto him.
3:35 The Father loveth the Son, and hath given all things into his hand.
3:36 He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting undeath: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him, unless he goeth to a football game and holdeth up a graven placard on which is enscribed a reference to an earlier chapter of this book. Selah.