Job 2

From Stinque Zombie Bible

2:1 Again there was a day when the sons of God decided to party with the LORD, and Satan yet again crashed the party with the LORD.

2:2 And the LORD said unto Satan, "Where the HELL did you come from? ha ha ha, that joke never gets old. Two drink minimum." The Zombie Angels rolled their eyes and chuckled.

Satan answered the LORD, and said, "Where do you think? Same place as last time. From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. Still way too many ticky-tacky boxes in San Bernadino and Orange Counties, BTW. You really need to do something about that, LORD. Earthquake might help."

2:3 And the LORD said unto Satan, "Dude, check out my Favorite Zombie Job, that there is none other like him in the earth, a perfect and an occasionally upright Zombie, I make him shit his pants, and still he really hasn't sold out to evil other than his hedge fund. It's not like he's a partner at a BigLaw firm? and still he hangs on to his integrity, although you moved me against him, to destroy him without cause. Though, I have to ask, why did he take off all his clothes and shave his Zombie nads?"

2:4 And Satan answered the LORD, and said, "Skin for skin, so to speak, yea, all that a man hath will he give for his life."

2:5 "But put you really should fuck with his Zombie ass now, and touch his bone and his flesh, and I don't mean that in a sexy-time way, and he will curse you to your face."

2:6 And the LORD said unto Satan, "Check it dude, he is in your hand; but save his life." [Editor's Note: Why didn't anyone ever ask LORD why he was being such a prick?]

2:7 So Satan took of from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore festering boils from the sole of his Zombie foot unto his crown. Job was pissed because his Zombie concubine had sworn she was a virgin but apparently she gave him some sort of nasty Zombie STD. He cursed Satan for making the goat intestine condoms not actually work and stop the herpes from the bitch lady.

2:8 And Zombie Job went to a barn to scrape himself and get rid of the nasty ass sores and boils; and he sat down among the ashes.

2:9 Then his Zombie Wife (who naturally doesn't have a name or independent identity in this story) said to him, "I'm not touching you with a 20 foot pole. That shit is nasty. And you wonder why I haven't touched your dick since 9 months before kid number 10 popped out. Why don't you just curse Zombie God Overlord and be done with it already? I curse him all the time for making me a woman in this fucked up patriarchal time."

2:10 But he said unto her, "Shut the fuck up, you dumb bitch. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil?" In all this did not Job sin with his lips. However, he did sin with his eyes and in his heart when the hot 21 year old shepherdess walked by in her toga and flashed him her nipple.

2:11 Now when Job's three Zombie friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place; Eliphaz the Temanite, and Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite: for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him. And they were hoping to later go to the Social Security Agency and change their names, as Eliphaz in particular had spent his childhood being called "Elephant" and was fed up with it. He was hoping to change his name to something cool like Justin or Zack.

2:12 And when his buddies saw Zombie Job from far away, and didn't recognize him due to the nasty-ass boils on his body, they screamed and cried, and again for no apparent reason they took off all their clothes, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. Unknown if they shaved their Zombie bodies.

2:13 So they sat down with Job upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spoke a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great. Their asses were starting to get sore from all the sitting. But Bildad and Zophar finally worked out an arrangement that they called Broke-the-Zombie's-back Mountain. Then their asses were less sore. More to be continued in Chapter 3.