Hosea 1
From Stinque Zombie Bible
1:1 The word of the LORD that came unto Hosea, the son of Beeri, in the days of Uzziah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah, kings of Judah, and in the days of Jeroboam the son of Joash, king of Israel, and Hosea figured out that some shit was gonna go down.
1:2 The beginning of the word of the LORD by Hosea. And the LORD said to Hosea, Go, take unto thee a wife of whoredoms and children of whoredoms: for the land hath committed great whoredom, departing from the LORD, proving once again that the children of Israel hadn't learned a damned thing.
1:3 So he went and took Gomer the daughter of Diblaim; which conceived, and bare him a son, and they wanted to name him Pyle.
1:4 And the LORD said unto him, forget it, Call his name Jezreel; for yet a little while, and I will avenge the blood of Jezreel upon the house of Jehu, and will cause to cease the kingdom of the house of Israel, and this time I'm not just fucking with you.
1:5 And it shall come to pass at that day, that I will break the bow of Israel, in the valley of Jezreel, and snap their arrows, and put shaving cream on their hands and tickle their noses.
1:6 And she conceived again, and bare a daughter. And God said unto him, Call her name Loruhamah: for I will no more have mercy upon the house of Israel; but I will utterly take them away, and not in some nice Calgon way.
1:7 But I will have mercy upon the house of Judah, and will save them by the LORD their God, and will not save them by bow, nor by sword, nor by battle, by horses, nor by horsemen, but I'll figure something out.
1:8 Now when she had weaned Loruhamah, she conceived, and bare a son.
1:9 Then said God, Call his name Loammi: for ye are not my people, and I will not be your God.
1:10 Yet the number of the children of Israel shall be as the sand of the sea, which cannot be measured nor numbered; and it shall come to pass, that in the place where it was said unto them, Ye are not my people, there it shall be said unto them, Ye are the sons of the living God.
1:11 Then shall the children of Judah and the children of Israel be gathered together, and appoint themselves one head, and they shall come up out of the land: for great shall be the day of Jezreel.