Habakkuk 1

From Stinque Zombie Bible

1:1 The burden which Habakkuk the prophet did see, was his unpronounceable name among other things.

1:2 O LORD, how long shall I cry, and thou wilt not hear! even cry out unto thee of violence, and thou wilt not save! I know, I know - Jesus saves, Moses invests.

1:3 Why dost thou shew me undead, and cause me to behold brain-eating? for spoiling and violence are before me: and there are that raise up strife and contention.

1:4 Therefore the jaw is slacked, and judgment doth never go forth: for the zombies doth compass about the living; therefore brain-eating proceedeth.

1:5 Behold ye among the undead, and regard, and wonder marvelously: for I will work a work in your days which ye will not believe, though it be told you, again and again, like a broken record, so pay attention!

1:6 For, lo, I raise up the Texans, that bitter and hasty nation, which shall march through the breadth of the land, to destroy the zombies that are not theirs, and may the one who wrote this train wreck of a sentence before me be struck down by the LORD.

1:7 They are terrible and dreadful: their judgment and their dignity shall proceed of themselves, because WTF; they elected George W. Bush twice to the governorship.

1:8 Their F250s also are swifter than the zombies, and are more fierce than the evening wolves: and their militias shall spread themselves, and their militias shall come from far; they shall fly as the eagle that hasteth to eat, and they shall stock up on ammunition because Obama is coming to take their guns and force them to gay marry.

1:9 They shall come all for violence: their faces shall sup up as the east wind, and they shall gather the captivity as the sand, although why they would want to gather sand escapes me.

1:10 And they shall scoff at the undead, and the zombies shall be a scorn unto them: they shall deride every nest of zombies; for they shall heap dust, and take it, and get someone else to vacuum the rugs.

1:11 Then shall his mind change, and he shall pass over, and offend, imputing this his power unto his god, which wasn't much help because his power was that of a small four-cylinder engine with two stuck valves.

1:12 Art thou not from everlasting, O LORD my God, mine Holy One? we shall not die. O LORD, thou hast ordained them for judgment; and, O mighty God, thou hast established them for correction, which should be administered by Liv Tyler wearing one of those Ilsa, She Wolf of the SS costumes.

1:13 Thou art of purer eyes than to behold evil, and canst not look on iniquity: wherefore lookest thou upon them that deal treacherously, and holdest thy tongue when the zombies devoureth the man that is more righteous than he? Whatever; usually the righteous are slower and easier to catch.

1:14 And makest men as the zombies of the cities, as the creeping things, that have no ruler over them? Like Belgium; they haven't had a functioning government in years, yet they seem to do pretty well.

1:15 They take up all of them with the angle, they catch them in their net, and gather them in their drag, like on that Deadliest Catch show where they catch crabs and shit: therefore they rejoice and are glad.

1:16 Therefore they sacrifice unto their net, and burn incense unto their drag; because by them their portion is fat, and their meat plenteous, although they're not allowed to eat the shellfish because it's traif.

1:17 Shall they therefore empty their net, and not spare continually to slay the zombies? Better to sell the shellfish to the Gentiles and throw a net over the Zombies so they can make a clean getaway.