Genesis 1

From Stinque Zombie Bible

1:1 In the beginning God made the heaven and the earth and the Zombies sprang forth from the roiling foam of creation, barking in uncontrollable rage, hungry for human brains to eat, giving pause to our Lord who shat himself and uttered 'Oh, fuck, zombies!' amidst the primordial celestial gloom.

1:2 And the earth was without form (except for the zombies and the recently deposited pile of divine poo), and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And God was, like, what am I going to do with all these Zombies, they chew up my shoes and make a mess of the place generally.

So the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters and thought, "Oh boy, I bet those zombies are going to pee in there. No manners!"

1:3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. And the Zombies went shithouse, screeching like their eyes were being burned out, turning away and howling in seething rage. And said the LORD unto the shambling dead, what is with you guys, there's no pleasing you, is there?

1:4 And God saw the light, that it was good for his hydrangeas, and God divided the light from the darkness; light for the hydrangeas, and darkness for the zombies.

1:5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day, so he had a cocktail.

1:6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

1:7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

1:8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day, this one he celebrated with absinthe.

1:9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so. And then he dropped the whole mess of moving rotted people on the dry land and said, Let them roam around there, at least they won't be under my feet all the time.

1:10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good and thought about contacting his publicist.

1:11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, killer bud, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

1:12 And the earth brought forth grass, and really good herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

1:13 And the evening and the morning were the third day, so he relaxed with some of that herb and some pine nuts.

1:14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

1:15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

1:16 And God made three great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night, like really good xenon headlamps: a third which emitted radiation that animates dead tissue and periodically shoots burning asteroids off in random directions, just in case creation ran out of walking dead people and needed some restocking.

He made the stars also, so later Carl Sagan had something to keep him busy.

1:17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

1:18 And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good, particularly the bit with flaming asteroids.

1:19 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

1:20 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

1:21 And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good. Then he thought about making some Zombie whales, which would have been awesome, but at that point smoked some of the weed he created on Wednesday and got himself righteously stoned so he forgot about that and went to go make a sandwich.

1:22 After he came down a little, God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

1:23 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day, and he realized it had been days since he enjoyed a libation, so this night belonged to uzo.

1:24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping things, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.

1:25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

1:26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, though they should be careful not to overfish.

1:27 So God created man in his own image,and so came forth George A Romero. Man was lonely and so he create a creature to keep man company.That creature was to be called Milla Jovovich.

1:28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. Oh, and look out for the Zombies, they're a bit difficult to deal with. Don't let them bite you, for fuck's sake. Don't let them near your shoes when you start wearing them. And when you multiply, can you try not to call out my name so often? I really don't need to see that shit. Sorry.

1:29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. Try the veal.

1:30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so. And God then created vegetarians.

1:31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day, so he roasted a wild pig and washed it down with a nice ale.

1:32 Then around sevenish on Saturday God got a little restless and was all, Wow, is that all there is to creating a universe? Could that be any more boring? I need a drink. I wish Adam would hurry up and invent television so I could watch re-runs of Friends.