Galatians 1

From Stinque Zombie Bible

1:1 Paul, an apostle, (not of men, neither by man, but by Jesus Christ, and God the Father, who raised him from the dead, thus making him the first Jewish zombie;)

1:2 And all the brethren which are with me, unto the churches of Galatia and the synogogues of Florham Park:

1:3 Grace be to you and peace from God the Father, and from our Lord Jesus Christ, but not from the Zombies, because they tend to tear around ripping shit up:

1:4 Who gave himself for our sins, that he might deliver us from this present evil world, according to the will of God and our Father which unfortunately he forgot to get notarized:

1:5 To whom be glory for ever and ever until Darwin comes along. Amen.

1:6 I marvel that ye are so soon removed from him that called you into the grace of Christ unto another gospel, like you did not even leave a note saying where you would be:

1:7 Which is not another; but there be some that trouble you, and would pervert the gospel of Christ, and Christ be hating him some perverts.

1:8 But though we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel unto you than that which we have preached unto you, let him be accursed, and let the fluid drain from his transmission.

1:9 As we said before, so say I now again, if any man preach any other gospel unto you than that ye have received, let him be accursed, and this time may his radiator be emptied as well.

1:10 For do I now persuade men, or God? or do I seek to please men? for if I yet pleased men, I should not be the servant of Christ, but rather delivering towels in a bath house.

1:11 But I certify you, brethren, that the gospel which was preached of me is not after man, and it is not after Zombies, because who in their right might would go after them?

1:12 For I neither received it of man, neither was I taught it, but by the revelation of Jesus Christ, who basically made it up from whole cloth.

1:13 For ye have heard of my conversation in time past in the Jews' religion, such kibitzing! How that beyond measure I persecuted the church of God, and wasted it:

1:14 And profited in the Jews' religion above many my equals in mine own nation, being more exceedingly zealous of the traditions of my fathers who would later make these traditions into a hit Broadway musical.

1:15 But when it pleased God, who separated me from my mother's womb, and called me by his grace, and why he called me Grace I'll never know,

1:16 To reveal his Son in me, that I might preach him among the heathen; immediately I conferred not with flesh and blood, because talking to flesh and blood won't get you anywhere:

1:17 Neither went I up to Jerusalem to them which were apostles before me; but I went into Arabia, and returned again unto Damascus, because the Jews had managed to find the only piece of land in the Middle East with no oil after wandering around for forty fucking years.

1:18 Then after three years I went up to Jerusalem to see Peter, and abode with him fifteen days, as he had a nice comfy sleep sofa.

1:19 But other of the apostles saw I none, save James the Lord's brother, but he was busy practicing that water-into-wine trick so I let him alone.

1:20 Now the things which I write unto you, behold, before God, I lie not, because that list of ten things we can't do says you can't lie.

1:21 Afterwards I came into the regions of Syria and Cilicia, and the traffic was murder let me tell you;

1:22 And was unknown by face unto the churches of Judaea which were in Christ, which was just as well because how many times can you preach the same damn sermon?

1:23 But they had heard only, That he which persecuted us in times past now preacheth the faith which once he destroyed, and giveth as well to the building fund.

1:24 And they glorified God in me, but not before they taught me the secret handshake and gave me temporary business cards.