Exodus 1

From Stinque Zombie Bible

1:1 Now these are the names of the first children to become Zombies, which came into central area in town and began to bite of the townsfolk, and to eat of their brains; every man and his household came with Jacob armed with baseball bats and tire irons and with bolt action hunting-rifles, because liberals had all banned "assault" weapons. I mean "came with Jacob", as in arrived with, not CAME with, as in that they were having group sex and all climaxed together.

1:2 Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and Judah

1:3 Issachar, Zebulun, and Benjamin,

1:4 Big Dan, and Naphtali, Gad, and Asher.

1:5 Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, and Peter.

1:6 And all the souls that came out of the loins of Jacob were seventy souls, and man, were his wives cranky. Also too, Joseph was in Egypt already because he had a meeting.

1:7 And Joseph died because a Zombie got a hold of him and tore out his liver. Then he rose again to chase and eat all his brethren, and all that generation, until somebody wised up and smashed his head with some stale matzoh in a copper pot.

1:8 And the children of Israel were fruitful, and increased abundantly, and multiplied, and waxed exceeding mighty; and the land was filled with them.

1:9 Now there arose up a new king over Egypt, which knew not Joseph. He was a Zombie King, which was just about the coolest thing ever up to that point. Seriously, how cool is that?

1:00 And he said unto his Zombie subjects, Brrrrraaaiinnnss! Behold, the people of the children of Israel are more and mightier than we:

1:10 Come on, let us deal wisely with them; lest they multiply, and it come to pass, that, when there happeneth any war, they join also unto our enemies, and fight against us, and so get them up out of the land. Grab some barbeque sauce and follow me!

1:11 Therefore they did set over them taskmasters to afflict them with their burdens, and butchers to hack off the tasty bits to throw to the slavering hordes. And they built for Zombie Pharaoh treasure cities, Pithom and Raamses.

1:12 But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew like THE THING. And the zombies were grieved because the children of Israel ran pretty fast and were hard to catch sometimes.

1:13 And after they died the Zombies made the Zombie children of Israel to serve them with rigour-mortis and with plates of human meat:

1:14 And they made the lives the of living people of Israel bitter with hard bondage and sadomasochistic acts, with mortar, and brick did they build retaining walls, and in all manner of service in the field: And as for the undead Jews, all their service, wherein they made them serve, was with rigour-mortis.

1:15 And the king of Egypt spake to the Hebrew midwives, of which the name of the one was Shiphrah, and the name of the other Puahahoahahuuhuh:

1:16 And he said, When ye do the office of a midwife to the Hebrew women, and see them upon the stools; if it be a son, dip him in a little catsup and bring him over: but if it be a daughter, then she shall live until the brain matureth and at that time will tasteth better.

1:17 But the midwives feared God, and did not as the king of Egypt commanded them, but saved the men children alive.

1:18 And the Zombie king of Egypt called for the midwives, and said unto them, Why have ye done this thing, and have saved the men children alive? I wanted to be the only dude in the land, and make all the women compete in jello wrestling matches to spend time with me since i'll be the only dude and not everyone will turn lesbian

1:19 And the midwives said unto Pharaoh, Because the Hebrew women are not as the Egyptian women; for they are lively, and are delivered ere the midwives come in unto them.

1:20 Therefore God dealt well with the midwives: and the people multiplied, and waxed their bikini lines and were very mighty.

1:21 And it came to pass, because the midwives feared God, that he made them into houses and people came to live inside the midwives and park their wagons underneath their lower backs which became garages.

1:22 And Pharaoh charged all his people, saying, Every son that is born ye shall cast into the river and he shall become a world-class swimmer instantly or die (for the river is very watery), and every daughter ye shall save alive, cuz chicks are good.