Ecclesiastes 1

From Stinque Zombie Bible

1:1 The words of the Preacher, the son of David, Chief Zombie, king in Jerusalem.

1:2 Zombie of Zombies, saith the Preacher, Zombie of Zombies (Christ, he repeats himself); all is Zombies.

1:3 What profit hath a poor, put upon Zombie, if all his labour which he taketh under the sun?

1:4 One generation of zombies passeth away, and another generation of zombies cometh: but the earth abideth for ever.

1:5 The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth to his place where he arose, to get away from all the fucking zombies.

1:6 The wind, on a three-day meth bender, goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits.

1:7 All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return again.

1:8 All things are full of labour; man cannot utter it: the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.

1:9 The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun.

1:10 Is there any horror movie whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before us.

1:11 There is no remembrance of former things; neither shall there be any remembrance of things that are to come with those that shall come after. If it ain't a sequel, it's a fucking remake.

1:12 I the Preacher was chief Zombie in Israel, king in Jerusalem.

1:13 And I ate a heart to seek and search all hearts that are beating under heaven: this sore travail hath God given to the Zombies to be exercised therewith.

1:14 I have seen all the zombie movies that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.

1:15 That which is crooked cannot be made straight: and that which is living must be eaten.

1:16 I communed with mine own heart, saying, Lo, I am come to great estate, and have gotten more wisdom than all they that have been before me in Jerusalem: yea, my heart would taste better with some pepper and coriander.

1:17 And I ate a heart with horseradish sauce, and to know madness and folly, I added a load of salt.

1:18 For in much salt is much grief: and he that increaseth salt increaseth the risk of a cardiac attack.