Deuteronomy 5

From Stinque Zombie Bible

5:1 And Moses called all Israel, using his roll-over minutes, and said unto them, Hear, O Israel, the statutes and judgments which I speak in your ears this day, because if I speak them anywhere else it would be ridiculous; that ye may learn them, and keep, and do them, and stuff.

5:2 The LORD our God made a covenant with us in Horeb.

5:3 The LORD made not this covenant with our fathers, but with us, even us, who are all of us here alive this day, and not, thankfully, zombies.

5:4 The LORD talked with you face to face in the mount out of the midst of the fire,

5:5 (I stood between the LORD and you at that time, to shew you the word of the LORD: for ye were afraid by reason of the fire. Hmmm... zombies are also afraid of fire. I'm starting to wonder about you...) saying,

5:6 I am the LORD thy God, which brought thee out of the Land of the Dead, directed by George A. Romero, from the House of the Dead, directed by Uwe Boll.

5:7 Thou shalt shoot the zombies in the frickin' head. I don't know how many times I have to keep telling you idiots this.

5:8 When thy brother, or thy sister, or thy father, or thy mother, or thy Significant Other, or thy child, or thy whomever-the-hell it may be sits up and opens his or her eyes after you know he or she is dead, thou shalt not go running into thy loved one's arms:

5:9 Thou shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them: for thou knowest thy loved one is a zombie; and if thou dost not know this, thou art an idiot;

5:10 And deserve to get thy throat torn out and thy brains eaten, if brains indeed thou hast.

5:11 Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain, Goddamit: for the LORD will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain. I mean, Christ Almighty: can't you find something else to shout when you see the zombies coming? Jeez.

5:12 Keep the sabbath day to sanctify it, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee.

5:13 Six days thou shalt labour, and do all thy work:

5:14 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thine ox, nor thine ass, nor any of thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates; that thy manservant and thy maidservant may rest as well as thou.

5:15 Unless thou workest for the Department of Motor Vehicles, in which case you might as well take the other six days off, too.

5:16 Honour thy father and thy mother, as the LORD thy God hath commanded thee; that thy days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with thee, in the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee. Unless they come back as zombies, in which case see Commandment Number 2.

5:17 Thou shalt not kill, except by shooting them in the head. I'm going to keep saying this until you get it through thy thick skull, 'kay?

5:18 Neither shalt thou commit adultery. Especially not with zombies. That's just icky.

5:19 Neither shalt thou steal; though foraging in the bleak, post-apocalyptic, zombie-infested wasteland of the future doesn't count.

5:20 Neither shalt thou shoot the heroic black guy through the head while he is looking through the window at the end of the movie; for if thou dost, thou art a douchebag.

5:21 Neither shalt thou desire thy neighbour's wife, neither shalt thou covet thy neighbour's house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or any thing that is thy neighbour's, nor spoil the ending of "Night of the Living Dead" if thy neighbor has not seen it. (Ummm... oops!)

5:22 These words the LORD spake unto all your assembly in the mount out of the midst of the fire, of the cloud, and of the thick darkness, with a great voice: and he added no more. And he wrote them in two tables of stone, and delivered them unto me, saying "Take these two tablets and call me in the morning."

5:23 And it came to pass, when ye heard the voice out of the midst of the darkness, (for the mountain did burn with fire,) that ye came near unto me, even all the heads of your tribes, and your elders;

5:24 And ye said, Behold, the LORD our God hath shewed us his glory and his greatness, and we have heard his voice out of the midst of the fire: we have seen this day that God doth talk with man, and he liveth.

5:25 Now therefore why should we die? for this great fire will consume us: if we hear the voice of the LORD our God any more, then we shall die.

5:26 For who is there of all flesh, that hath heard the voice of the living God speaking out of the midst of the fire, as we have, and lived?

5:27 Go thou near, and hear all that the LORD our God shall say: and speak thou unto us all that the LORD our God shall speak unto thee; and we will hear it, and do it.

5:28 And the LORD heard the voice of your words, when ye spake unto me; and the LORD said unto me, I have heard the voice of the words of this people, which they have spoken unto thee: they have well said all that they have spoken.

5:29 O that there were such an heart in them, that they would fear me, and keep all my commandments always, that it might be well with them, and with their children for ever!

5:30 Go say to them, Get you into your tents again.

5:31 But as for thee, stand thou here by me, and I will speak unto thee all the commandments, and the statutes, and the judgments, which thou shalt teach them, that they may do them in the land which I give them to possess it.

5:32 Ye shall observe to do therefore as the LORD your God hath commanded you: ye shall not turn aside to the right hand or to the left.

5:33 Ye shall walk in all the ways which the LORD your God hath commanded you, that ye may live, and that it may be well with you, and that ye may prolong your days in the land which ye shall possess. For lo, it is better to surrender thy brains to thy religion than to become a zombie, though the heathen may have trouble distinguishing between the two of you.