2 Samuel 15
From Stinque Zombie Bible
15:1 And it came to pass after this, that Absalom prepared him chariots and horses, and fifty men to run before him, which didn't make much sense because the horses kept trampling the men.
15:2 And Absalom rose up early, and stood beside the way of the gate: and it was so, that when any man that had a controversy came to the king for judgment, then Absalom called unto him, and said, Of what city art thou? And he said, Thy servant is of one of the tribes of Israel; unfortunately we're one of the tribes that was denied permission to open a casino.
15:3 And Absalom said unto him, See, thy matters are good and right; but there is no man deputed of the king to hear thee, all the nominations are held up in committee.
15:4 Absalom said moreover, Oh that I were made judge in the land, that every man which hath any suit or cause might come unto me, and I would do him justice! Justice with a strong hand, and an outstretched arm, and chorus lines full of men, two kick turn turn, three kick turn turn!
15:5 And it was so, that when any man came nigh to him to do him obeisance, he put forth his hand, and took him, and kissed him, and gave him a little smack on the ass and his phone number.
15:6 And on this manner did Absalom to all Israel that came to the king for judgment: so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel, not like in that Indiana Jones movie where that creepy guy yanked some dude's heart out of his chest, but more like when Debra Winger rode a mechanical bull in that John Travolta vehicle; that kind of heart-stealing.
15:7 And it came to pass after forty years, that Absalom said unto the king, I pray thee, let me go and pay my vow, which I have vowed unto the LORD, in Hebron, because forty years is a long time to sit on the bench.
15:8 For thy servant vowed a vow while I abode at Geshur in Syria, saying, If the LORD shall bring me again indeed to Jerusalem, then I will serve the LORD, but I want weekends off and three paid weeks of vacation a year. And dental.
15:9 And the king said unto him, Go in peace. So he arose, and went to Hebron, taking with him his faithful servant Carmen Ghia.
15:10 But Absalom sent spies throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, As soon as ye hear the sound of the trumpet, then ye shall say, Absalom reigneth in Hebron, because after forty years listening to petty disputes, Absalom had decided it was time to make some serious coin.
15:11 And with Absalom went two hundred men out of Jerusalem, that were called; and they went in their simplicity, and they knew not any thing, and that's how Absalom like them - big and stupid.
15:12 And Absalom sent for Ahithophel the Gilonite, David's counsellor, from his city, even from Giloh, while he offered sacrifices. And the conspiracy was strong; for the people increased continually with Absalom; he just had that certain je ne sais quoi.
15:13 And there came a messenger to David, saying, The hearts of the men of Israel are after Absalom, he's even getting his own reality show!
15:14 And David said unto all his servants that were with him at Jerusalem, Arise, and let us flee; for we shall not else escape from Absalom: make speed to depart, lest he overtake us suddenly, and bring evil upon us, and smite the city with the edge of the sword or, even worse, cornhole everything in his path.
15:15 And the king's servants said unto the king, Behold, thy servants are ready to do whatsoever my lord the king shall appoint, except anal. They don't do anal.
15:16 And the king went forth, and all his household after him. And the king left ten women, which were concubines, to keep the house, which wasn't a very smart thing to do, because concubines tend to lie around masturbating while neglecting the housework.
15:17 And the king went forth, and all the people after him, and tarried in a place that was far off, like Montana, that far off.
15:18 And all his servants passed on beside him; and all the Cherethites, and all the Pelethites, and all the Gittites, which may have been Hittites but there was a typo, six hundred men which came after him from Gath, passed on before the king.
15:19 Then said the king to Ittai the Gittite (or Hittite, whatever), Wherefore goest thou also with us? return to thy place, and abide with the king: for thou art a stranger, and also an exile, and also a drag on this whole operation if I'm straight with you.
15:20 Whereas thou camest but yesterday, should I this day make thee go up and down with us? seeing I go whither I may, return thou, and take back thy brethren: mercy and truth be with thee, but I'm counting the silverware before you guys leave.
15:21 And Ittai answered the king, and said, As the LORD liveth, and as my lord the king liveth, surely in what place my lord the king shall be, whether in death or life, even there also will thy servant be; it's not as if Absalom is going to bake us a cake if you get my drift.
15:22 And David said to Ittai, Go and pass over. And Ittai the Gittite passed over, and all his men, and all the little ones that were with him, and when the passover was done they realized why matzoh was callled the Bread of Affliction, and there was a serious black market for Citrucel.
15:23 And all the country wept with a loud voice, and all the people passed over: the king also himself passed over the brook Kidron, and all the people passed over, toward the way of the wilderness, which was out beyond the sticks, and that was pretty fucking far out.
15:24 And lo Zadok also, and all the Levites were with him, bearing the ark of the covenant of God: and they set down the ark of God because that fucker was pretty heavy; and Abiathar went up, until all the people had done passing out of the city, but the people were slow so it took, like, forever.
15:25 And the king said unto Zadok, Carry back the ark of God into the city: if I shall find favour in the eyes of the LORD, he will bring me again, and shew me both it, and his habitation, and if he asks me nicely, maybe I'll come back:
15:26 But if he thus say, I have no delight in thee; behold, here am I, let him do to me as seemeth good unto him; but who am I kidding? he's going to do whatever the fuck he wants anyway, and if that includes smiting me, I'm done for.
15:27 The king said also unto Zadok the priest, Art not thou a seer? return into the city in peace, and your two sons with you, Ahimaaz thy son, and Jonathan the son of Abiathar; how Jonathan can be your son if his father is Abiathar is something you'll have to explain to me later, when we have more time.
15:28 See, I will tarry in the plain of the wilderness, until there come word from you to certify me; with any luck you'll certify me in chariot maintenance because, while I won't get rich, I can make a nice living.
15:29 Zadok therefore and Abiathar carried the ark of God again to Jerusalem: and they tarried there and got a little nosh.
15:30 And David went up by the ascent of mount Olivet, and wept as he went up, and had his head covered, and he went barefoot: and all the people that was with him covered every man his head, and they went up, weeping as they went up; it was one big pity party.
15:31 And one told David, saying, Ahithophel is among the conspirators with Absalom. And David said, O LORD, I pray thee, turn the counsel of Ahithophel into foolishness, and turn his pee green just to fuck with his head.
15:32 And it came to pass, that when David was come to the top of the mount, where he worshipped God, behold, Hushai the Archite came to meet him with his coat rent, and earth upon his head; such a schnorrer:
15:33 Unto whom David said, If thou passest on with me, then thou shalt be a burden unto me, look at you, you need a schvitz, a shower, a shave, and a change of clothes:
15:34 But if thou return to the city, and say unto Absalom, I will be thy servant, O king; as I have been thy father's servant hitherto, so will I now also be thy servant: then mayest thou for me defeat the counsel of Ahithophel; it should be easy peasy since Ahithophel isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, let me tell you.
15:35 And hast thou not there with thee Zadok and Abiathar the priests? therefore it shall be, that what thing soever thou shalt hear out of the king's house, thou shalt tell it to Zadok and Abiathar the priests, but speak slowly because they aren't exactly rocket scientists either.
15:36 Behold, they have there with them their two sons, Ahimaaz Zadok's son, and Jonathan Abiathar's son (the one with the daddy issues; see id. at 15:27); and by them ye shall send unto me every thing that ye can hear, and FedEx it because I really need to stay on top of this shit.
15:37 So Hushai David's friend came into the city, and Absalom came into Jerusalem, preceded by a host of ment in top hats and tails doing a Busby Berkley number.