2 Corinthians 1

From Stinque Zombie Bible

1:1 Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ by the will of God, and Timothy our brother, unto the church of God which is at Corinth, whence comes all that fine leather, and likewise the columns:

1:2 Since the first epistle got returned for insufficient postage; and then a zombie ate the mailman. It's been one of those days.

1:3 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

1:4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, which He in His mercy hath seen fit to visit upon us — not that we're complaining, LORD; please do not smite us any more! — that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

1:5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ. So pass me another bottle of comfort.

1:6 And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.

1:7 Unless, of course, we should be afflicted by the bite of the zombie, in which case our comfort shall be a bullet in the brain, thank you very much.

1:8 For we would not, brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia — when we not only had to deal with Kung Fu Zombie, Bio-Zombie, Tokyo Zombie and the Living Dead in Tokyo Bay, but also hopping vampires, Robo-Vampire, Seven Golden Vampires, Mr. Vampire I - V, and Matango, Fungus of Terror — that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life:

1:9 But we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves, but in God which raiseth the dead and sics their undead hordes upon our asses:

1:10 Who delivered us from so great a death, and doth deliver an even greater undeath: in whom we trust that he will yet deliver us; unlike, say, our first epistle, which did not fare too well in His hands, now that I think of it;

1:11 Ye also helping together by prayer for us, that for the gift bestowed upon us by the means of many persons thanks may be given by many on our behalf.

1:12 For our rejoicing is this, the testimony of our conscience, that in simplicity and godly sincerity, not with fleshly wisdom, which is liable to be eaten by ghouls, but by the grace of God, we have had our conversation in the world, and more abundantly to you-ward, whatever that means. Sorry. Ever since the zombies came I've been hitting the sauce a little too hard.

1:13 For we write none other things unto you, than what ye read or acknowledge, which sounded pretty profound when I started writing it, but now seems a little goofy; and I trust ye shall acknowledge even to the end;

1:14 As also ye have acknowledged us in part, that we are your rejoicing, even as ye also are our's in the day of the Lord Jesus. Our's? Is it "our's" or "ours"? I can never get those apostrophes straight. Good thing I'm writing in Aramaic.

1:15 And in this confidence I was minded to come unto you before, that ye might have a second benefit; I'm thinking a telethon.

1:16 And to pass by you into Macedonia, and to come again out of Macedonia unto you, and of you to be brought on my way toward Judaea. Where the hell am I? Was I supposed to turn left at the Burger King? Guess that'll teach me to drive under the influence.

1:17 When I therefore was thus minded, did I use lightness? or the things that I purpose, do I purpose according to the flesh, that with me there should be yea yea, and nay nay? And a hey down derry, and a rama-lama-ding-dong?

1:18 But as God is true, our word toward you was not yea and nay.

1:19 For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who was preached among you by us, even by me and Silvanus and Timotheus, was not yea and nay, but in him was yea. With a yea, yea here; and a nay, nay there; here a yea, there a yea, everywhere a yea-nay.

1:20 For all the promises of God in him are yea, go team, rah-rah, and in him Amen, unto the glory of God by us.

1:21 Now he which stablisheth — stashiblish — shiblish — Christ almighty, I am so fucking drunk — makes us with you in Christ, and hath anointed us, is God;

1:22 Who hath also sealed us, and given the earnest of the Spirit in our hearts. Pass me another earnest of Spirit; for verily, this one is empty.

1:23 Moreover I call God for a record upon my soul (for it is Request Tuesday, and bountiful is the LORD's vinyl collection), that to spare you I came not as yet unto Corinth.

1:24 Not for that we have dominion over your faith, but are helpers of your joy: for by faith ye stand. Do I hear a yea-yea?