1 Samuel 4
From Stinque Zombie Bible
4:1 And the word of Samuel came to all Israel. Now Israel went out against the Philistines to battle, and pitched beside Ebenezer: and the Philistines pitched in Aphek, but neither bullpen was very deep, so the pitching sucked on both sides.
4:2 And the Philistines put themselves in array against Israel: and when they joined battle, Israel was smitten before the Philistines: and they slew of the army in the field about four thousand men, give or take, more or less; we don't do body counts.
4:3 And when the people were come into the camp, the elders of Israel said, Wherefore hath the LORD smitten us to day before the Philistines? Let us fetch the ark of the covenant of the LORD out of Shiloh unto us, that, when it cometh among us, it may save us out of the hand of our enemies; come to think of it, what bozo forgot to bring the ark in the first place?
4:4 So the people sent to Shiloh, that they might bring from thence the ark of the covenant of the LORD of hosts, which dwelleth between the cherubims: and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were there with the ark of the covenant of God, saying; if you're going to ship the thing to Ebenezer you need to insure it for twice its replacement value.
4:5 And when the ark of the covenant of the LORD came into the camp, all Israel shouted with a great shout, so that the earth rang again and again and again, like the cell phone of an idiot in a movie theater.
4:6 And when the Philistines heard the noise of the shout, they said, What meaneth the noise of this great shout in the camp of the Hebrews? And they understood that the ark of the LORD was come into the camp.
4:7 And the Philistines were afraid, for they said, God is come into the camp. And they said, Woe unto us! for there hath not been such a thing heretofore, we are well and truly fucked!
4:8 Woe unto us! who shall deliver us out of the hand of these mighty Gods? these are the Gods that smote the Egyptians with all the plagues in the wilderness; the Gods who defeated the vicious Chicken of Bristol.
4:9 Be strong and quit yourselves like men, O ye Philistines, that ye be not servants unto the Hebrews, as they have been to you: quit yourselves like men, and fight, lock and load, bitchez.
4:10 And the Philistines fought, and Israel was smitten, and they fled every man into his tent: and there was a very great slaughter; for there fell of Israel thirty thousand footmen, so what the fuck was the point of schlepping the ark out there?
4:11 And the ark of God was taken; and the two sons of Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, were slain, because they tried to pretend the ark was a case of toilet paper, but the Philistines, though pretty dumb, didn't fall for that shit.
4:12 And there ran a man of Benjamin out of the army, and came to Shiloh the same day with his clothes rent, and with earth upon his head, and asked where the showers were.
4:13 And when he came, lo, Eli sat upon a seat by the wayside watching: for his heart trembled for the ark of God. And when the man came into the city, and told it, all the city cried out, because they'd forgotten to pay the insurance premiums on the ark so this was going to be a total loss.
4:14 And when Eli heard the noise of the crying, he said, What meaneth the noise of this tumult? And the man came in hastily, and told Eli that Liberty Mutual had denied their claim.
4:15 Now Eli was ninety and eight years old; and his eyes were dim, that he could not see; even progressive lenses didn't help.
4:16 And the man said unto Eli, I am he that came out of the army, and I fled to day out of the army. And he said, What is there done, my son? Vee gaytz?
4:17 And the messenger answered and said, Israel is fled before the Philistines, and there hath been also a great slaughter among the people, and thy two sons also, Hophni and Phinehas, are dead, and the ark of God is taken, and it's such a mess that they're threatening to forfeit our deposit on the battlefield.
4:18 And it came to pass, when he made mention of the ark of God, that he fell from off the seat backward by the side of the gate, and his neck brake, and he died: for he was an old man, and heavy. And he had judged Israel forty years, so his wife would get three fifths of his pension plus medical.
4:19 And his daughter in law, Phinehas' wife, was with child, near to be delivered: and when she heard the tidings that the ark of God was taken, and that her father in law and her husband were dead, she bowed herself and travailed; for her pains came upon her, about two minutes apart, and it looked like she might have to be induced.
4:20 And about the time of her death the women that stood by her said unto her, Fear not; for thou hast born a son. But she answered not, neither did she regard it, because she was nearly dead; what did the women expect already?
4:21 And she named the child Ichabod, saying, The glory is departed from Israel: because the ark of God was taken, and because of her father in law and her husband, who hadn't bothered to buy life insurance or set up a 401(k), so how was she supposed to pay the bills?
4:22 And she said, The glory is departed from Israel: for the ark of God is taken, our deposit is forfeit, the rent is overdue, the corner store said no more credit, and we're out of cigarettes. Such a shonda!