1 Samuel 10
From Stinque Zombie Bible
10:1 Then Samuel took a vial of oil, and poured it upon his head, and kissed him, and said, Is it not because the LORD hath anointed thee to be captain over his inheritance? And no, don't worry about the oil stains on your robe; when you're King they take care of your drycleaning.
10:2 When thou art departed from me to day, then thou shalt find two men by Rachel's sepulchre in the border of Benjamin at Zelzah; and they will say unto thee, The asses which thou wentest to seek are found: and, lo, thy father hath left the care of the asses, and sorroweth for you, saying, What shall I do for my son? He's wandering around looking for a bunch of asses, and he's too stubborn to stop and ask for directions.
10:3 Then shalt thou go on forward from thence, and thou shalt come to the plain of Tabor, and there shall meet thee three men going up to God to Bethel, one carrying three kids, and another carrying three loaves of bread, and another carrying a bottle of wine, so be sure you have a corkscrew on you:
10:4 And they will salute thee, and give thee two loaves of bread; which thou shalt receive of their hands; no need to tip them, it's all taken care of.
10:5 After that thou shalt come to the hill of God, where is the garrison of the Philistines: and it shall come to pass, when thou art come thither to the city, that thou shalt meet a company of prophets coming down from the high place with a psaltery, and a tabret, and a pipe, and a harp, before them; and they shall prophesy, but you don't need to take notes because they've been wrong about everything for years:
10:6 And the Spirit of the LORD will come upon thee, and thou shalt prophesy with them, and shalt be turned into another man, just like in Dr. Who where they get somebody new to play him every season.
10:7 And let it be, when these signs are come unto thee, that thou do as occasion serve thee; for God is with thee; you can't miss HIM, HE'S the tall guy with the white hair and a lightning bolt in HIS hand.
10:8 And thou shalt go down before me to Gilgal; and, behold, I will come down unto thee, to offer burnt offerings, and to sacrifice sacrifices of peace offerings: seven days shalt thou tarry, till I come to thee, and shew thee what thou shalt do, and there's a casino, a swim up bar, and a dog track, so you should have plenty to keep you busy.
10:9 And it was so, that when he had turned his back to go from Samuel, God gave him another heart, just like Dr. Who: and all those signs came to pass that day.
10:10 And when they came thither to the hill, behold, a company of prophets met him; and the Spirit of God came upon him, and he prophesied among them, spewing more nonsense than Charles Krauthammer and David Broder combined.
10:11 And it came to pass, when all that knew him beforetime saw that, behold, he prophesied among the prophets, then the people said one to another, What is this that is come unto the son of Kish? Is Saul also among the prophets? Did he even finish his dissertation?
10:12 And one of the same place answered and said, But who is their father? Therefore it became a proverb, Is Saul also among the prophets? Do you have to have a license in Gilgal, or can you just hang out a shingle?
10:13 And when he had made an end of prophesying, he came to the high place with all his notes, which he would send out later to be typed up.
10:14 And Saul's uncle said unto him and to his servant, Whither went ye? And he said, To seek the asses: and when we saw that they were no where, we came to Samuel, because it's well known that asses always head for Samuel's place.
10:15 And Saul's uncle said, Tell me, I pray thee, what Samuel said unto you. Did he try to get you into Amway like he did me? I just bought some detergent to be polite; I had to get the hell out of there.
10:16 And Saul said unto his uncle, He told us plainly that the asses were found. But of the matter of the kingdom, whereof Samuel spake, he told him not; so do I get to run things or not?
10:17 And Samuel called the people together unto the LORD to Mizpeh;
10:18 And said unto the children of Israel, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I brought up Israel out of Egypt, and delivered you out of the hand of the Egyptians, and out of the hand of all kingdoms, and of them that oppressed you, again and again, so I think I've got a pretty good track record here:
10:19 And ye have this day rejected your God, who himself saved you out of all your adversities and your tribulations; and ye have said unto him, Nay, but set a king over us, another fucking layer of bureaucracy. Now therefore present yourselves before the LORD by your tribes, and by your thousands; you can't run and you can't hide.
10:20 And when Samuel had caused all the tribes of Israel to come near, the tribe of Benjamin was taken, just like in X-Files.
10:21 When he had caused the tribe of Benjamin to come near by their families, the family of Matri was taken, and Saul the son of Kish was taken: and when they sought him, he could not be found, just like the WMD, except not really because he'd been there in the first place.
10:22 Therefore they enquired of the LORD further, if the man should yet come thither. And the LORD answered, Behold he hath hid himself among the stuff, over there, behind that dumpster.
10:23 And they ran and fetched him thence: and when he stood among the people, he was higher than any of the people from his shoulders and upward, just like that manager you had who used to loom over you until he got you to do what he wanted.
10:24 And Samuel said to all the people, See ye him whom the LORD hath chosen, that there is none like him among all the people? And all the people shouted, and said, God save the king, starting an annoying tradition that survives today only in Britain.
10:25 Then Samuel told the people the manner of the kingdom, and wrote it in a book, and laid it up before the LORD, who wound up making a lot edits. And Samuel sent all the people away, every man to his house, because everybody milling around waiting for the final draft was getting on his nerves.
10:26 And Saul also went home to Gibeah; and there went with him a band of men, whose hearts God had touched, and who also thought they had a pretty good crack at a government job with benefits.
10:27 But the children of Belial said, How shall this man save us? And they despised him, and brought no presents; they didn't even send a card. But he held his peace.