1 Corinthians 1

From Stinque Zombie Bible

1:1 Paul called to be a Beatle through the will of God, and later the leader of Wings, surely a zombie because he will not die but rather grow jowls,

1:2 Unto the church of God which is at Corinth, where all the sofas are covered in rich Corinthean leather, to them that are eaten in the name of Christ Jesus, called to be zombies, with all that in every place call upon the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, both their's and our's:

1:3 Grace be unto you, and peace, from God our Father, and from the Lord Jesus Christ.

1:4 I thank my God always on your behalf, as your tongue was removed as an appeasement to the zombies so you couldn't thank him yourself;

1:5 That in every kettle ye are cooked by him, in a thick stew, and with Hamburger Helper because I am lazy;

1:6 Even as the core temperature of 170 degrees F was confirmed in your breast (without hitting bone):

1:7 So that ye come behind no shellfish appetizer; waiting for the coming of our zombie Lord:

1:8 Who shall also consume your brain unto the end, that ye may be boneless in the day of our zombie Lord.

1:9 God is hungry, by whom ye were called three times which was two times too many, goshdarn it.

1:10 Now I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our zombie Lord, that ye all be cooked at a slow simmer, and that there be flanksteak among you; but that ye be perfectly sliced in the same manner and served with matching flatware.

1:11 For it hath been declared unto me of you, my brethren, by them which are of the House of Blues, that there are slightly undercooked brains among you.

1:12 Now this I say, that every one of you saith, I am of Paul; and I of John; and I of George; and I of Ringo.

1:13 Is Christ divided? did Paul blow his mind out in a car? or was the Walrus Paul? Did crossing Abbey Road barefoot really mean anything or did Paul know that only the shoeless can escape the zombie hordes?

1:14 I thank God that I baptized none of you, but Crispy and Regular Flavor, because with names like that they will HAVE to be good;

1:15 Lest any should say that I had baptized in mine own name, how many people around here are called "BLRZXGAGLCH", amarite?

1:16 And I baptized also the household of Stephanie, well at least I anointed her well if you know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink: besides, I know not whether I baptized any other because really, who can keep track?

1:17 For Christ sent me not to baptize, but to bash in some heads: not with wisdom of words, lest the cross of Christ should be made of none effect because that cross still has some awesome heft to it, although not as easy to swing as my old Louisville Slugger.

1:18 For the bashing in of heads with the cross is for them that perish leaving fresh brain for all; but unto us which are zombified it is the Provider.

1:19 For it is written, I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and will bring to nothing the understanding of the prudent, by introducing tabloid television journalism with loud talkers, "news" scrolls and frequent cutaways to freeway car chases.

1:20 Where is the wise? where is the scribe? where is the disputer of this world? You can try the News Hour or maybe the Beeb, but even they are trying hard to pander these days.

1:21 For after that in the wisdom of God the world by wisdom knew not God, it pleased God by the foolishness of preaching to save them that believe.

1:22 For the Jews require a sign that Sandy Koufax wasn't the last, great hope, and the Greeks seek after more than the occasional European basketball championship:

1:23 But we preach Christ crucified, which is intended to totally mess with the Jews and put an end to the Greeks' foolishness about that whole Olympian thing;

1:24 But unto them which are called, both Jews and Greeks, we'll always appreciate the cartoonish generalizations we can make about your people: "Hey, no Coke, Pepsi..."; that is going to SLAY them in the second millenium, trust me.

1:25 Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men, this just means that men are totally stupid and weak.

1:26 For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many zombies stick around after the flesh is consumed, not many mighty, not many noble, are left with functioning brain stems after the zombie hordes march through:

1:27 But God hath chosen flamethrowers to deal with the zombies; and God hath chosen double barreled shotguns to deal with those that survive the flamethrower;

1:28 And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, because he's not a deity with much taste IMHO, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are:

1:29 That no brains should be eaten in his presence, because he'll just snarf that shit up like ambrosia if you do.

1:30 But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us starved for brain, and righteously erect, and armed to the teeth, and wandering the land for fresh organs:

1:31 That, according as it is written, He that gorgeth, let him gorge on the living in the Lord.